Christmas

It's one week until Christmas, I've got two more days of work for the year. The closer Christmas gets the more tense I feel myself becoming. It's supossed to be such a fun and happy time of year, which it is for most but for Mathew and I it's not. I remember last Christmas. It was our first Christmas as parents and Coopers first Christmas. I was pregnant with Hunter. We talked about how much fun Christmas 2013 would be with two kids. Sometimes I feel annoyed that something, somehow and somewhere didn't warn us about what ours and Hunter's future held. I love the memories of planning our lives with our two boys but they come with a lot of pain. I've been thinking a lot recently about the day he died. I have no idea how we've gotten to be nearly 7 months on. I don't know where all the minutes went. Something that I have been remembering a lot is the painful phone calls we made to concerned friends to tell them we had 'lost Hunter'. I don't ever say we lost him. We didn't lose him, we're not that careless. He passed away. He died. Those phone calls were so hard, I didn't want to do it but Mathew said he thought it was best we told people. We sat on the edge of our bed and Mathew managed to say the words. I sat silently and cried. We called four people. Mathew spoke and I silently listened. That was enough. The first night at home after Hunter was taken from us he slept in his room. I was terrified. I was so scared that Cooper would wake up crying and I'd run in and pick up Hunter's lifeless body instead. I wouldn't even go to the toilet without Mathew coming with me. I couldn't check on Cooper, I couldn't even shut Hunters bedroom door myself. I wouldn't go upstairs or have a shower unless Mathew was with me. I've come a long way since then. I still panic. I still struggle being on my own. I still get scared. I'm such a different person now. I think a big part of me died with Hunter. Now I am left with no confidence, not good in groups, quiet, self consious, no opinions. Unpredictable emotions. Maybe some of those have good things within them. I have to get used to the new me.

Red and yellow and pink and green, Purple and orange and blue, I can sing a rainbow, Sing a rainbow, Sing a rainbow too! Listen to your heart, Listen to your heart, And sing everything you feel, I can sing a rainbow, Sing a rainbow, Sing a rainbow too

Square One

Every now and again I feel a build up of emotion and hurt that I need to let out. I still don't know how to let that out in any other way than with tears. On Sunday Hunter would have 6 months old. We're onto Tuesday now and I still can't pull myself together. I feel like I am back at square one. I have that huge weight back on my shoulders, my heart hurts and I can feel every beat. It's hard to breathe. Nothing seems significant or exciting anymore. Maybe this will come back with time, maybe it won't. Everything has a big dark cloud over it. Every special occasion is riddled with the greif that Hunter isn't here. I don't know how I am going to truly enjoy life again. I don't know how to find my way back there. I've been thinking a lot about my Great Uncle Phil. I have never been close to him, he lives a few hours away and is much older. His wife, my Grandmas sister, passed away last year. Only after Hunter died did I learn that they had a son pass away too. Even though they lived in a time where talking about the death of child wasn't the done thing (I still don't think it is...) they visited Alex every year at Christmas and at Aunty Eve's funeral Phil said that she was finally back with Alex. When Uncle Phil learned of the death of Hunter he cried. It's both admirable and terrifying that even 50 or 60 years after Alex got his wings they still hurt for him, still miss him and still talked of him. It's only now that I realise the significance of their oldest Grandchild, Alex. Maybe one day one of our kids will name their son Hunter, after their brother they didn't get to meet but have heard a lot about. Even though I haven't seen Uncle Phil in years and didn't go to Aunty Eves funeral, I am going to write to him. He's the only family member who has been here. Maybe they had a tradition that perhaps Mathew and I can adopt. I also feel the need to ask for a picture of Aunty Eve around the time she was pregnant or they lost Alex. I think I have seen her. I keep seeing a woman with a baby and an older child who I get the feeling is her son. The baby is Hunter. Maybe it is Aunty Eve and her Alex taking care of Hunter. Maybe. Cooper and Hunter are the biggest things in our lives. Cooper is the one who keeps me going, he makes me feel happy, he gives me hope and he gets me out of bed every day. Without him I don't know where I would be. One day when he is much older I hope that Cooper will understand how much he helped us through this time. Hunter keeps me going in a different way. I want him to be proud of his Mumma. I want him to be looking at me and Mathew and smile because we've done something good despite the horribleness of the situation. I want him to be proud that we still managaed to raise his beautiful, thriving big brother. I want him to be proud that we are better people because of him. Both the boys make me a person. I love them millions.

Happy Half Birthday

Tomorrow marks 6 months since Hunter touched this earth. As brief as his time here was he made a difference. He touched so many people and forever changed Mathew and I. We will always be great full for the ten days he gave us but we will always wish we had more time and that he was still here with us. Mathew and I are better people being Hunters parents. We have learnt a lot about ourselves and have been taken places we would never choose to go. Our love for each other and our family is stronger, we accept more easily and judge less. We love more. In his ten days Hunter left his footprint in our world. He made a big dent in our hearts and in our lives that will be there forever. Never forgotten and never replaced. We choose to believe that Hunter is growing up in a better place. He is sitting up now and almost crawling. Thank you to all those who have been there for us during this nightmare. To everyone who brought us food, let us cry or made us laugh. We love you and are thankful to have so many good people looking after us. Of all the pain we've been through we would do it again tomorrow just to have that time with Hunter again, maybe get another few minutes with him or give him a few more kisses to take with him. Just like we do with Cooper we love Hunter more everyday. Thank you Hunter for being here ten days. Mummy and Daddy love you. Happy half Birthday. Be good xxx

Time doesn't heal

It's been nearly 6 months since I gave birth to my beautiful second son, Hunter. The past six months have been nothing short of hell. Everything I do feels wrong and each night when the day gets quiet and I've put Cooper to bed I think about how my day would have been if Hunter had still been with us. It's so easy to imagine, to daydream about a life better than the one I have now. A whole life. Unbroken. Most days I still can't believe that all the events of the past 6 months actually happened. It feels unreal. It feels like Hunter will come back and we'll forget about this nightmare. I've said that before, it still feels the same. I can't even write down who the person I used to be was. I have no idea who that person is but she died with Hunter and like him, won't be seen again. I miss Hunter and the old life I had so much. I love Hunter and I would never wish to take the days we spent together away but sometimes I wish the whole thing hadn't happened. I wish I could re-start and change something so death wouldn't take him. The last couple of months my eye has been twitching. I think it's the stress getting to me. I have headaches every day and forget the small things. I try to look nice but it doesn't happen because I care so much less. Mathew and I have a strong bond that I doubt will ever break. Time hasn't healed any wounds yet. I doubt it will. I think maybe the wounds just become less apparent over time. Dear Hunter, I wish every day that you would come back to us. People say that heaven is a better place but its not. There can be no better place for a baby than with his Mummy and Daddy who love him endlessly. There is going to be an article paper about you tomorrow. To help me to raise money for Starship in your memory. I have do something to make your life worth it. It'll always be worth it for me and Daddy but to make it worth something to other sick babies too. I love you Hunter. I haven't been to see you as much the last couple of weeks. I feel like I've been so busy and can't stop to relax with you. I have a gift for you so Dadyy, Cooper and I will bring it up to you tomorrow morning. You are getting quite a good collection of gifts! Cooper has been giving you lots of hugs and kisses when he goes to see you. You get way better kisses than we do! He also has a little possy on your stone where he sits and plays with your toys. It's beautiful but it breaks my heart a little more. Cooper loves his little brother. I'll see you again my love, but not just yet. I love you. xxxx Mummy xxxx

Baby Loss Awareness Month - Day 2, Identity

Hunter.  A very strong name for a very strong boy.

I love your name.  I wish we had more time. 

My heart is broken and breaking a little bit more each day.

I had lunch with you today Hunter.  I imagined us sitting together in the sun, lying on the grass and listening to the birds.  I'd probably tell you how nice and warm it is and you'd smile at me in agreeance.
Instead I sat by your stone.  Your sleeping body lying in your bed just below me.

You are so beautiful and so perfect. 

I find myself asking why it had to be you so often these days. 

I want our rainbow.  

Baby Loss Awareness Month - Day 1

Day 1 – Sunrise

Auckland New Zealand

Beautiful sunrise for a beautiful boy.

Today marks the 1^st day of October.  This month is Baby Loss Awareness Month.  Something I didn’t know about until this year but something that has already given me a whole new world of support from people who belong to the same group as me. 

I’m taking part in a project called “Capturing Your Grief” in honor of Hunter.  I’m creating memories for him.

I am back at work now, it’s extremely hard.  I’ve made me desk as comfy as possible with photos, quotes, memories.  But I still hate it.  I’m away from my baby Cooper and I feel so away from Hunter.  Working makes it all seem worse.  I sit at my desk and tears build up in my eyes as I think about the past four months and all the hope and happiness I had during pregnancy with Hunter.  The past two weeks I’ve felt further away from him than ever.

I realized when thinking about Hunter that I can’t remember asking his Doctors one vital question and it’s played on my mind since Saturday evening.  Did I ask them if they’ve tried everything for him?  Did I ask them to do more?  Did I ask them what would of happened if we didn’t turn his life support off?  I can’t remember.  I need to know the answer.  I will call Starship and talk to his Doctor.

I’ve been trying to do more Hunter, always more.  But I don’t know how much more I can keep doing more.  We’ve got a place for him at home with photos, candles, books, his things.  We’ve got his hand prints and foot prints.  I’ve got my necklaces, Mathew and I both have tattoos of his hand prints.  But it’s not enough.  We need more.  What are we going to do when we run out of ‘more’? 

I don’t know what to do to make it hurt less.  All of the things I’ve been doing they haven’t helped.  It keeps hurting more and more.  I miss him so much.  I just want him back.

Is death over yet?

I love you Hunter.

An angel in the book of life wrote down Hunters birth, he quickly closed the book and whispered, too beautiful for this earth.

The Future

Having the man you love ask you to marry him is something us women think about and dream about for years.  

Mathew proposed to me on Monday 16th Sept 2013.  My birthday.  
He took me (and Cooper of course) out to Muriwai.  A beach that has been our place to go on special occasions; our first valentines day when I was pregnant with Cooper and our second Valentines day and pregnant with Hunter etc.  
We had fish n chips and bubbles and while walking down to the water Mathew stopped, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  I was shocked.  Didn't expect it.  I was silent with tears rolling down my cheeks.  

Of course I said yes but the emotions were not what I expected.  I've waited and waited for this and thought I'd just jump up and down with mega excitement.  Instead I felt an immense wave of emotion, flash backs of all the wonderful moments shared.  All the times I've thought 'that's why I love him' and all the times he's made me feel like I'm the only girl in his world. Of our awesome little boy running around the sand.  Of Hunter, bringing the sunshine.  

I appreciate Mathew so much and am excited to be his wife.  To have the same name as our children.  

I know Hunter will be there with us on our special day as he is with us everyday.  I only wish it wasn't just in spirit.  

Today was four months.  Feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago. How did we make it this far?

I love you Hunter.  I love you Cooper.  I love you Mathew.


  

Grief

The thing about grief is that although I would never forget a single moment of Hunters life I have blocked out so much and the memories come back as I'm ready for them.

My memory today was from before Hunter was born.  A moment I will never forget.

As I've said before I got sick just before Hunter was born.  My Mum came down for the day to help me look after Cooper.  We decided that we'd try and cheer me up by popping to the mall to shop for the out fit we would bring Hunter home in.  

I will never ever forget being in Farmers clutching my tummy with tears rolling down my face and telling my Mum "I'm not in labour but something doesn't feel right".  

I had blocked this out until now.  My body told me things weren't right.

I wonder what else has been blocked out for the time being.  When Mathew and I visited Starship a lot came back, reading through this blog things have come back and even just talking to different people makes things come back.  It's like I have new memories of past events.  

As I start a new chapter in my life, returning to work after 16 months off I wonder how it is going to be.  I was meant to be so busy, I am not meant to be going back to work.  I feel ready but I won't really know until I get there.  It feels like I'm moving onto the next step.  Continuing with life even though some days I want to stay in the 'throws of grief'.

It's my birthday in a few days.  I don't want to be 26.  I was 25 when I had Hunter.  When I'm 26 I'm not 25 anymore.  Time is moving away from Hunter.  

  

Happy Fathers Day...

We unveiled Hunters stone on Fathers Day.  It's so perfect.  Even Hunter looks proud of it.

Fathers Day was hard.  We had a picnic with Hunter and Mathew opened his gift and card from the boys when we were there.  

I feel like a terrible parent.  A failed parent.  These days are incredibly hard.  Some days it is hard to breathe. Of all the pain and hurt we have been through I just want to go back and spend more time with him.  I wish I could hold him and kiss him. To mother him.  

I still don't understand why he had to be taken.  Why the universe has been so cruel to us.  

During the week there was an article in the newspaper about a three week old baby girl whose parents slit her throat.  How come can people be so disgusting and heartless and break all the rules of parenthood have their baby still here?  Why couldn't their baby be taken?  They didn't want her anyway...I feel sick to say that but it's how I feel.

I am struggling.  There are so many days  I sit on the floor, looking at Hunters pictures and cry.  Sometimes I want to scream, to hurt someone else as much as I am hurting.  But I don't.  It won't bring him back so I keep it inside.

I feel so lonely inside.  

My Boy,

I love you and I miss you.  Each day that goes I miss you more.  How I am I going to make through this life without seeing you again?  I wish I took more pictures.  

Thank you for coming to see me in my dreams.  I am happy you are safe an being looked after.  I only wish I had met your great nana so that I could know she'd take the best care of you.  Mummy will look after you again one day.  Better next time.  

You would be such a big now, I can imagine you sitting in the high chair eating everything in sight.  You'd be sleeping in your cot now, instead of the basinette and in a car seat rather than the capsule.  A real little boy.  You would sit in the baby bouncer outside in the sunshine, smiling and gurgling.  

I love you so much.  We are still a family of four.  

Please help Mummy to be happy again.

Love you xxx M xxx

Pain

All  day long I wear a mask.  When I smile at you, it's often my mask smiling at you.  When I say I'm good, it's my mask talking.

I am in pain.  I don't know how to feel that pain but it is always there.  Deep inside my being.  In my heart, my throat, the pit of stomach.  The pain is my arms that held you, in my lips that kissed you, my eyes that looked lovingly at you.  It is everywhere.  

I hate that people have moved on.  I hate that people don't ask about Hunter.  I hate that people no longer want to see his photos.  I hate that people talk about him in past tense.  All these things cause me more pain.

The sympathetic looks.   The idle conversation I have to smile at and pretend to enjoy.  I know what people are thinking, I can see it.  I know that when I'm gone people will talk about me.  They will say "She's the one I was telling you about.  The one whose baby died."  Some conversations would probably be bordering on excited gossip.  Some people take joy in the fact that they know me, the Mum of Hunter.  When someone hears about us and our story they can say "I know her."  

The people that do this, they do not know me.  I know the type of person that speaks of me this way.  I can see it like it's written on their foreheads in a thick black vivid. It's not everyone.  Just some.

Something that hurts just as much is the people who avoid the topic all together.  Do they think we want to forget?  I don't want to forget, not for one tiny second.  If I could I would do it all again.  I would be pregnant, I would go through that 49 hour labour, I would hold you as you died in my arms.  I would do it all again just in the hope to get an extra second with you.  One more breath.

For now I am going to be a narcissist.  I am going to be a narcissist because it is all about me.  I am going to stop worrying about what my words and feelings might do to others.  This is mine, I am going to own it.

Dear Hunter,

I love you so much my baby.  We talk about you always.  We talk about you so much that your big brother can point at your pictures and say 'Hunter'.  He knows you are here too.

You've been flying high for nearly three months now.  Its been a lifetime to me but I wish it was just yesterday.  If it was yesterday I would have held you yesterday, kissed you yesterday.  Seen you just yesterday.

I miss you.

Mummy xxx

“…Though I experienced death, I also experienced life…not after the darkness, as we might suppose, but in the darkness. I did not go through pain and come out the other side; instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow. I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it became a part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it.”–Jerry Sittser

I am two people now: one mourns and the other takes the steps that make up life.


These are from another blog I am reading.  Perfectly describes me.

I want to hold your hand again Hunter.  Such a tiny thing to ask for but one I have to wait so long for.

I visited you twice today.  Daddy and I have visited you nearly every day and it's never rained, or even spitted with rain.  We can leave the house in the most horrible weather but when we get to you the sun always shines.  You always shine.  Every single time.  That's incredible given it's been through the middle of winter.  I know you are doing it and I know you are with me.

You are my sunshine : )

I miss you so much Hunter.

I feel like I am waiting for your death to be over and for you to come back.  I want it to be over, you can come back to us now.  We have learnt our lessons and it's time to come back.

If only death worked that way.

Today I am making a memory album for you.  It's going to be really nice and like everything that is for you I am putting a lot of thought and effort into it.  It's kind of like a scrap book.  But you already know this because you are always watching me.

We (Mummy and Daddy) still feel like everything is wrong, that nothing is going right and that we are such different people now.  It's so hard to get used to.

We are still finding that some friends are true and others aren't.  This is a big thing for me, I am holding onto it maybe because I've been hurt by some peoples lack of caring.  I suppose that stuff doesn't matter, and it may be something else that is bothering me and I just haven't figured out what that is yet.  I find that happens a lot.  

I am looking for a job.  I ideally want something that helps people.  A job where I can share my experiences to help people...I don't think I'm going to find that job for a while.  One day I will but maybe now isn't the right time.

I wonder what you'd look like now.  You'd definitely be chubby.  You were such a hungry wee thing.  Maybe you'd be bald!  Or have the funny 'old man balding' that your Dad and Cooper both had.  No hair on top but lots on the sides and back.

You would probably be rolling or close to it.  I would prop you over a tri-pillow in front of a mirror so you could coo and chatter to yourself in the mirror.  And if you're anything like your brother, I think you are, you'd be kicking your arms and legs to music, getting excited and laughing.  

Cooper is getting so smart.  It's bitter sweet.  I would love to see you at his age in a years time.

Coopers recent tricks are feeding himself with a spoon or stabbing food with a fork.  He points to things now and calls everything a dog.  He hears a dog barking and points in the direction saying 'dog dog' before he can even see it.  He's a smarty pants.  He also rides his little trike around the place saying brmm brmm brmm.  

I hope you are watching him closely.  He's full of mischief.  Enough for both of you.

I had better go now baby.  I need to fold the washing and pick up al the toys.  I've got you with me all the time.  On my mind, in my heart and on my necklace.

I love you millions.  More every day.

xxx Mumma xxx

72 Days Gone

It's been 72 days since you left us.  We think about you everyday, talk about you everyday and wish like hell that we will wake up from this terrible nightmare, everyday.

It's not just a nightmare though.  There are so many things that remind me this is real.  We visit your tiny grave nearly everyday.  I open the curtains in your room each morning. In your room it feels the way I feel - empty, quiet and cold.  

We have you everywhere though.  In Coopers room, he sleeps with one of your blankets and has one of your teddy's.  In our room, lots of places in the lounge, the kitchen, around my neck, on Daddy's arm.  It's not enough though.

Yesterday I was sitting on the doorstep watching Cooper go up and down his slide.  It was a beautiful sunny and warm day.  I felt like I should be holding you, cuddling and feeding you while watching Cooper running and playing.  That's how yesterday should have been if things were right.

Things should have been so different for you.  I don't believe that you were meant to leave us so soon.  It was tragedy and I am so so sorry it happened to you.  Took your life away.  

I hope you are warm, happy and being fed well.  Daddy and I don't want you to be scared, we will be with you again one day.  But until then you need to be a big brave boy and you need to look after us, especially Cooper.  

Someone said over the weekend that our babies aren't perfect.  I think she was wrong.  You are perfect.  Maybe too perfect to be here.  Perfect.

Daddy and I have made a goal.  We are going to run a marathon for you.  When I'm running I think of you and it keeps me going.  I run, I cry.  

I long to see you.  

If I had one wish, I'd wish for you.

I love you Hunter Gray.  Today and always.

Love Mummy.

Returning to Starship

Yesterday we went back to Starship.  Back to PICU.  We stood outside the room that took from Hunter from us.

Going back there was different to what I had tried to imagine.  When I was there with Hunter I remember it as quiet, a place with only a couple of children, empty hallways and the same night and day.  Yesterday it was a loud, busy, fast paced place packed with sick children.  In the hallways there is machines and trolleys outside every room and Doctors and Nurses seemed to be rushing around everywhere. I saw none of this when we were there.  All I saw was Hunter and Hunter's doctors.

I cried in buckets.  Seeing Hunters Doctor I broke down, it brought it all back.  He was so genuine, so caring and helpful.  He tried his best with Hunter.  It meant a lot to me to have him remember Hunter.

Starship has seen just two cases of HSV that has done what it did to Hunter.  One of those cases was Hunter.  

Waitakere Hospital had never seen it.  And probably never will again.  

Hunter and the other little boy or girl are being written about in a medical journal.  

Waitakere Hospital has since been educated by Starship on HSV in babies.

I don't think I am going to get my answers as with this type illness the doctors can only make assumptions.  There is a margin of error when testing for viruses so if something doesn't add up in the tests they just have to assume that those tests have provided false results.  It will take me a long time to accept this.

Dear Hunter,

I am so sorry.  I don't know if I will be able to find out why.  It's all so unfair and doesn't seem to make sense.  

The days and nights seem to be getting longer and harder.  

Tomorrow you are two months old!  I wish so badly I could have spent that time with you, that I could see you now.  

Love you forever Hunter Christopher Gray.

xxx Mummy xxx

  

Butterflies

Butterflies

Today I can feel myself loosing it.  I've been OK the last couple of days.  I spent an hour or so sitting by your grave the other day.  I cried and cried as I talked to you but it felt good.  I felt close to you.

You have a blue butterfly flying around your spot.  It's solar powered and very cool.

Cooper hasn't been sleeping very well, I think he may be getting my cold.  I'm worrying myself sick.

I hope you weren't in pain.  This is something I've been thinking about today and it makes me so sad.  I am scared for you Hunter. I hope you weren't hurting.  

Today I can feel my big empty space where you used to live. It hurts and I can't stop it.

I don't even know what to say to you, I just want you here.  Why did we have to loose you?  We loved you so much and so many hopes and dreams for our family.  Why couldn't a family who didn't love their baby so much loose theirs?  I don't understand.   I want to go back and change something, be a better person or do something different so that I can have you back.  My whole word is upside down without you.

You will be 8 weeks old tomorrow.  You are starting to hold your head up well, sleeping more at night and focusing those big dark eyes on Mummy and Daddy.  

Sleep well my boy.  I love you xx

 

Happy Mothers Day

Mothers Day

Morning Hunter!

I was reading the Mother's Day card Daddy wrote to me from you and  Cooper. I cried and cried. We were such a perfect family that day. 

I feel like I'm forgetting you because I can't cry all the time.  Sometimes I even feel like a bad Mum because we are trying to start having some fun again.  I'll never forget you though. I'll always be with you just like you will always be with me. 

My laptop is broken and its hard to write on my phone. It'll be fixed soon though. 

We took Cooper to the Zoo this weekend, he ran around and played with Daddy. He's such a good Dad, you boys are lucky to have him. 

Cooper woke up at 3.30 this morning and just wanted cuddles, so he slept in between Daddy and I.  I think that was the first time he's ever actually slept with us. It was nice until he woke me up at 6.10.  Too early.

I wish you were here.  I love you no matter what.

I miss you today Hunter.

I wish you were here with all my heart.

I love you my baby.  Daddy, Cooper and I are coming up to see you at the cemetery.
Keep the sun shining for us xx

Man of My Dreams

Hi Hunter,

Last night I dreamt of you.  Good dreams all night and I now know that you are with me.

You and I were at a beach somewhere, it was really warm.  Daddy had taken Cooper down to play on the sand and we were sitting on a big whicker chair on a deck watching them.

You have grown since the last time I saw you which makes me very happy.  You have quite a lot more black hair (must grow like weeds like your brothers does!).  You are starting to get that layer of cute baby chubbiness and were smiling at me as I talked to you about swimming in the ocean.  

I woke up this morning feeling like I had spent some time with you and I told Daddy with excitement in my voice about the things that we did at the beach.  All four us.  The way it should be.

I said we would let you grow up and you are.  

It's not good enough though.  I still wish all day that you were here with me but if you can visit me each night in my dreams I'll happily take it.

I'll hold you again one day my little love.  But for now you are the man of my dreams.  

A New Day

Today is a new day and my focus is of course Cooper but when he has his sleep rather than preparing dinner, doing the washing and housework I am concentrating on my latest mission, raising money for Starship.

They really deserve all the help they can get.  The Mobile Phone Appeal is something that Starship started last year and they raised over $1 million dollars.

I've made up this poster and have given it to a few friends, family members and businesses to post around the place and in their offices.  I'll also be putting it in mailboxes around my area.  Everything helps.  I think having a story to tell people or even just making reference to our Hunter will encourage people to get behind the cause.

Soon Mathew and I will be going back to Starship, back to PICU, back into the room where Hunter took those last precious breaths in our arms.  

When we go back I want to take something positive with us.  

Good Days & Bad Days

Today was a bad day.  I cried a lot for you Hunter, but this evening I decided to try and make a difference.

I will be fundraising for Starship and for children just like you.  Maybe together you and I can make a little bit of difference.   

This has made my day better. 

I'll make you proud Hunter.

Good night Baby Boy xx

Kindness

I caught up with a beautiful friend this morning.  It is not a good day for me but she wasn't scared to ask me how I am or ask me questions.  I love the brave people.  

Talking about Hunter is sometimes hard but most of the time I talk about him and it gives me comfort and makes the day a little brighter.  

Today a very kind person has had a star named after Hunter.  I will find that star and know it is his.  Thank you.

This photo was yesterday, me and my little rock.

Playlist for Hunter

A friend has asked me to post the Playlist that Mathew and I made for Hunter's funeral.

We chose each song carefully.  Each song means something to us.  Now they are Hunters songs.

You Raise Me Up - Josh Groban

You Are My Sunshine - Elizabeth Mitchell

You and Me - Eccentric Soul

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad - Meatloaf

Sara - Fleetwood Mac

Lay Your Love on Me - Roachford

Imagine - John Lennon 

Halleluja - Leonard Cohen

Father & Son - Cat Stevens

Dream Weaver - Gary Wright

Candle in the Wind - Elton John

Angels - Robbie Williams

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Back for Good - Take That

Holding Back the Years - Simply Red

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues - Elton John

You Were Meant for Me - Jewel

I'll Be Missing You - Puff Daddy & Faith Evans

You Are My Sunshine is Hunters Song.  We played this song as Mathew and I carried him out to the car to take him to his final resting place.

I love you Hunter, you are my sunshine

I Miss you

I don't feel strong today Hunter.  It's been three days since I had any decent sleep and it's making it harder for me to cope.  I need food and I need sleep but I just can't do it.

Life is so unfair.  Nelson Mandela has lived over 90 years and you got 10 days.  I wish he could live less and you more.  

I have been listening to your songs every day and lighting your candle.  The candle is nearly gone.

Last night I dreamt you were here again.  Maybe you are here in my dreams?  

One day I'll get to hold you in my arms again.  Until then I will long for it.

I don't know why you're gone, I just want this nightmare to be over and have you back.  I feel like I deserve to have you back.

Dear Hunter

This morning I woke to find over 200 people had read your story. Going to bed this evening over 2,000 people from around the world have read about you.

I am proud to share your story and talk about you.  You deserve it.

It has been just over five weeks since you got your wings.  I am struggling to feel you with me but I know that one day soon I will start to feel your presence, just out of reach.  Daddy knows you are with him.  He got your hand prints tattooed on his arm.

I am having a necklace made out of the moulds that were taken when we were at Starship, they are shrinking your tiny feet even tinier and setting them in silver for me to put on a chain.  I should have it this week or next.

The last few nights have not been so good for me.  I dreamt about you all night then woke up and remembered it was just a dream.  Daddy has started back at Crossfit so he is leaving really early and I've been waking up alone. Being alone is the hardest.

A psychic said that when a baby passes over who is too young to make decisions of their own about how they will remain on the other side that their Mum decides for them.  If their Mum wants them to grow up then through the memories that Mum creates that baby will grow up.  I will let you grow Hunter, you're going to grow big and strong like Dad and Cooper.  At just over six weeks old you are starting to chub up, you are smiling and cooing.  

I love you Hunter.