Christmas

It's one week until Christmas, I've got two more days of work for the year. The closer Christmas gets the more tense I feel myself becoming. It's supossed to be such a fun and happy time of year, which it is for most but for Mathew and I it's not. I remember last Christmas. It was our first Christmas as parents and Coopers first Christmas. I was pregnant with Hunter. We talked about how much fun Christmas 2013 would be with two kids. Sometimes I feel annoyed that something, somehow and somewhere didn't warn us about what ours and Hunter's future held. I love the memories of planning our lives with our two boys but they come with a lot of pain. I've been thinking a lot recently about the day he died. I have no idea how we've gotten to be nearly 7 months on. I don't know where all the minutes went. Something that I have been remembering a lot is the painful phone calls we made to concerned friends to tell them we had 'lost Hunter'. I don't ever say we lost him. We didn't lose him, we're not that careless. He passed away. He died. Those phone calls were so hard, I didn't want to do it but Mathew said he thought it was best we told people. We sat on the edge of our bed and Mathew managed to say the words. I sat silently and cried. We called four people. Mathew spoke and I silently listened. That was enough. The first night at home after Hunter was taken from us he slept in his room. I was terrified. I was so scared that Cooper would wake up crying and I'd run in and pick up Hunter's lifeless body instead. I wouldn't even go to the toilet without Mathew coming with me. I couldn't check on Cooper, I couldn't even shut Hunters bedroom door myself. I wouldn't go upstairs or have a shower unless Mathew was with me. I've come a long way since then. I still panic. I still struggle being on my own. I still get scared. I'm such a different person now. I think a big part of me died with Hunter. Now I am left with no confidence, not good in groups, quiet, self consious, no opinions. Unpredictable emotions. Maybe some of those have good things within them. I have to get used to the new me.