Big Brother

So Hunter, you're a big brother! In fact you've been a big brother for a week now and you're doing a great job of looking out for Arlo.

I'm so sorry though my love. Mummy has never felt further away from you and it hurts. This past week I haven't been able to think about you and talk to you, look at your photos or play your songs. I can't do things yet because its too hard. If I do that it means I have to imagine saying goodbye to Arlo and I can't do that.

I love you so so much Hunter. Ill start playing your music and remembering you soon. But for the next little while I need to focus on stayin calm and positive for Arlo.

You would love having a little brother to play with, I know it. You and Cooper would look after him so well.

We named him after you. Arlo Hunter Gray. 'Arlo' means to be courageous; you taught us courage.

I've also had to borrow some of your wool singlets because I didn't buy any small enough. I figured you wouldn't mind because you're 13 months old today and wouldn't be able to fit them. But when Arlo grows out of them ill put them back in your box (cupboard) of things.

Remember that I love you and daddy, cooper and Arlo too. Be good and have fun.

PS - Cooper has been watching Shrek just about every day (it's raining hard and we can't go out), he loves it! I bet you will too so you should ask your Heaven Mum to put it on. Coopers favourite is Donkey because he runs everywhere and Coopers loves running and being chased.

Love you baby. Keep us all safe xxxx

Mummy

The Birthday Boy

Hi Hunter,

Mummy has been so slack recently! I've not written on here in over two months. Life has been busy!
Not only are we preparing for your little brothers arrival but it's also May.

May 10th was your 1st birthday! We had a really great day. Mummy had been dreading it and was terrified to wake up on your birthday but when I did it was much better than expected. We were very empty and struggled with how we thought we should feel on that day. But, Mummy and Daddy had a good talk and decided that on the day you were born it was a great day. We were so happy and complete that day. So your birthday was to be like that. Of course we had our tears and our very difficult moments throughout the day but over all we had a cool day. We took you and Cooper to the zoo! We saw all the animals and made animal noises, we took pictures of them and us. It was a bit cold but the sun was out (of course).
We talked lots about you the entire day. Mummy made you a big birthday cake in the shape of an 'H' and we took it up to you to light the candle and sing. Cooper blew out the candle and Mummy, Daddy, Cooper, Nana, both grandads, Grandma and even great grandma were there to share it and eat cake. We wrote cards and brought you gifts, we even sent a lantern up to you.

You will be such a little man full of confidence and independence now. We are so proud of you.

Then, it was the 20th. This day was super hard. Mummy and Daddy really struggled to get up. But when we did the sun was shining. We lay in bed with Cooper and your brother in my tummy and we listened to your songs. We looked at pictures, we remembered and we cried. Daddy and I miss you so much every single day.

And now, it's only a few days until your brother is coming. We are excited but it's also bringing a numb feeling with it. I want to be as excited as we were when you and Cooper were coming but that is very hard.

May is always going to be hard. Yesterday it was Coopers birthday. We came up to see you so you could wish Cooper a happy birthday. It was so cold with ice on the grass so we didnt stay for long. I found a feather on the couch yesterday so I know you were with Cooper on his birthday.

I love you Hunter. I hope you're behaving up there :-)

Keep your brothers safe.

Food For Thought

Hi Hunter,

I have been talking to a lovely new friend and she brought something up which now I can't stop wondering.

Do you get Coco Pops in heaven?

Cooper looooooooooves his Coco Pops, "pops" which he is allowed as a treat for breakfast on weekends.
I don't want you to miss out so I think you should ask for pops. But Mummy says only on the weekend. They're not a healthy breakfast but it's nice to have a treat.

Also, as long as your teeth get an extra long brush you can have some pebbles if you've behaved yourself when taken to do the grocery shopping. I'm positive you're just like Cooper (and Daddy) and always deserving of something yummy.

It is Daddy's birthday soon. Only two weeks before yours. That's a scary thought! You are nearly one! My big boy.
We need to think of something really special for Daddy. He deserves the best.

Our lives were so different a year ago. We were such different people back then, especially Mummy. You were still in my tummy, beating me up from the inside. I was so anxious to meet you. I also remember Daddy saying that you were his actual birthday present, coming a little bit late. I'd forgotten that until now. That's a nice thought.

I have lots of memories about you before you were born. You loved to stretch out, I'd have a big foot poking out on one side and elbow on the other. I used to have to push one side back in and Daddy would growl at me and say that you could stretch if you wanted. I also used to think that you are so much like your Daddy because you were constantly drinking too much water too quickly and getting the hiccoughs! Dad and Cooper do that too.

I got a canvas print done of You, Me and Daddy. This one is to go on the wall in our bedroom, and I will order (shh don't tell Daddy) one of you and Cooper for his room and also a bigger one, I think the sand butterfly, for in the lounge.
I want you everywhere in the house! Everywhere I go I want to remember a different moment I had with you.

Your little brother, Arlo, is going to arrive in about 9 weeks (I'm hoping for more like 10 or even 11 weeks). So Mummy is starting to feel quite stressed about that. I can't wait to meet him but I'm also very worried. Everything is going fine, except for Mummy getting sick a lot. I finish work at the end of the week so hopefully I can keep healthy after that.

Anyway my love, I had better go and get some work done.

I love you :-)

Don't forget to ask for coco pops on the weekend!

xxx

A Mummy To Hold Your Hand

Don't laugh Hunter, Mummy is no poet. I wrote this on a particularly hard day.

A Mummy To Hold Your Hand

Every day I'm scared
Terrified and in pain.
I hold it in most days
so others don't run away.
I get up each morning,
I put on my mask
I come across as normal,
So no one bothers to ask.

Each second of each day
Its hard for me to say
"I'm not ok,
I'm broken
I miss him every day."

It can't be different
It's not going to change
Soon I have to accept,
It's me who has to change.

We're having another baby now.
Your brother is on his way.
Mummy wants to be happy
But I struggle every day.
It's been a while since I could smile and say
"It's been a good day,
In each and every way."

But every single day,
something is for sure
I won't stop telling people
about the angel I adore.

I will forever be your mum.
You will forever be my son.
Mummy and Daddy miss you
And who you would become.

We've missed so much already
But one thing is for sure,
We are proud of you today
And we are proud to have you as our son
in each and every way.

For now I wish you happiness,
A Mummy to hold your hand.
I wish for a Daddy to play with you,
and build castles in the sand.
Watch over your two brothers.
And show them the right way,
For every now and then
I'm sure they'll go astray.

They know they have a brother,
An angel up above,
Who Mummy and Daddy talk about
and always say they love.

For now I have to go
It's time for me to sleep
Come visit me my baby
And make my dreams complete.

- for Hunter with love, from Mumma.
19.02.2014

C/of: Heaven

Dear Hunter, C/of: Heaven. Mummy has been having a hard morning. Today I'm seeing some specialists who I hope will offer to look after Mummy and deliver your little brother. I have to go to Auckland Hospital to see them. It's very hard for me to go there. I get very scared. Today I had lots of tears when dropping Cooper off at school, so Daddy took me for a hot chocolate and hugs. I also had a phone call from a lady at Plunket. She was calling to check up on how Cooper is doing and to book his next appointment (the 2 years old one!), but, we ended up talking about you. This lady has also had a little baby go to heaven. She was so nice Hunter, she knew how I was feeling. Even though her baby went to heaven a long time ago she still knew what it is like for a Mummy. She knew that it changes you forever. She knew that it changes the way you see everything. She knew that it doesn't stop or go away. She understood my feelings of replacing you. Even though we can't and would never want to replace you she understood what I meant and how that makes things hard for Mummy. It was a really good day for her to call and understand. Daddy is the only other person who understands me. I miss you Hunter and I want you to be here again. I just want all this pain to end. But the only way it is all going to end is if you come back to Mummy. It's not your fault that you're in heaven now and I wish you all the happiness in the whole world but I just miss you so much. Every day is really hard for Mummy. Letting go of Cooper for school every day makes it harder. Saying goodbye to Daddy and coming to work makes it harder. No one at work likes me. That makes things hard. I feel like it's such a waste coming to work when I just have people being nasty to me. I'm sensitive, I know that. But I get so sick of putting up with people treating me that way. I hate having to justify everything to other girls in the office. I don't even know why I do, what I do is none of their business anyway. Daddy says once we have our mortgage all approved I can give my notice and finish work. I can't wait to get out of this stupid place. Every day is long and I sit at my desk and wish for it to be over. Not what Mummy needs. I'm looking at a photo of you and Cooper at the moment. You two look so alike! Cooper was exactly like you as a tiny baby. You both look like Daddy. I hope your brother Arlo looks like you guys too. Beautiful boys. Lucky Mummy. Love you Hunter. You have a good day, have a good lunch and some nice sleep :-) I miss you baby xx xxx Mummy

Courageous

This post isn't a letter to Hunter. Just my thoughts, my emotions, my hurt. Over the weekend Mathew and I started the first of many days of packing as we get ready to move into our new home. With this comes a lot of very mixed emotions. Although I don't particularly enjoy where we are living it holds a huge significance to us. This was Hunters home. This is where we lived during the best days and the darkest days. All of them are memories of Hunter. We will loose so many things when we move. The place where we laid him on the floor to take his picture with his Daddy and his brother. The only bath we gave him was here. The two nights he spent with us at home as a family of four. The time after Mathew and I had bathed both the boys and they were both crying over getting into theor PJ's, looking at eachother and laughing before taking one boy each to start the bed time routine. I was so incredibly and unbelievably happy in that moment. There is the little things. Getting set up for Hunters arrival, stressing over which cot would go in which room. Choosing to move Cooper into the smaller bedroom as Hunter would have more things to start with. I washed the clothes, sterilised the bottles. Now that we are moving we will be in a house that will not have been his home. He is always with us, I keep telling him our address judt in case, but he would never have been physically with us. That is quite hard. While clearing out the cupboard under the stairs I found numerous items that I had stowed away under there when things got too hard. Things I had forgotten about. I thought I threw out all of the sympathy cards we accumulated. I thought I got rid of them along with the dozens of bunches of flowers that kept on coming and kept on dying in our house. The last thing I needed was something else dying (I'd never send someone flowers who has lost someone they love now), anyway, I thought I threw all those cards out. I didn't. I put them in a bag and burried them in the cupboard. When I found them on Monday evening I couldn't help but read them. I didn't get through them all. It was torture to read. We're not supossed to have cards like that, not for our baby. But we do. We have a lot of them. There is one card that I remember not reading, I knew who it was from, I read the first line but at the time I did not read it. I also remember trying again days later to read this card. I still couldn't read it. When I picked up that card a couple of days ago I opened it. I couldn't read it. I don't know why I can't do it. Maybe it seems impersonal and scripted from that first line, maybe its the sender, maybe it's too long and drawing out what can be said very simply. I don't know, but nearly 9 months down the track I still cannot read that one card. I cried and cried over the pile of cards. I cried over all the gifts I was given to provide some comfort. I cried over the cotton tip and piece of cloth I still have that I used to wipe Hunters eyes and clear the dribble from his mouth. The tube of lip balm we had for him to keep his lips from drying and his eyes from sticking. I cried over the poem and speech Mathew and I spent hours writing the night before his funeral. The last few days I have been feeling a sense of disbelief. I still find it hard to believe that my baby is gone. That he is in a place I am not. That I can't see him. I just don't understand why this had to happen to us. Why it couldn't happen to anyone else. I wish it was not my grief and that it was someone elses I write about. Today I can't believe this is my life. We are having another little boy soon. We have named him and we use his name. Each time I go to say his name Hunters comes out first. That hurts me every time. It bites at my heart and causes me to question why it keeps happening. I love the baby boy growing in my tummy just as much as my other boys yet my head won't let me acknowledge him by name. I say his name in my head, I say it out loud but when I go to talk about him without thinking Hunter comes out. There is such a big hole, a canyon in my heart and life. I carry the feeling of dread with me throughout my days. I feel hollow. A shell compared to how I once saw myself. I still don't know who this person is. I don't only act and feel different but I look startingly different. Every now and again I shock myself when I catch my reflection unexpectantly. I don't recognise this person. People used to tell me that my eyes sparkled when I smiled. They don't sparkle now. If eyes are the windows to the soul mine would surely be dull and without much colour. I have thought many times that people, strangers, must be able to see the grief and hurt that I hold in my eyes. Surely they can see that my smile is flawed. Speaking of eyes, maybe mine wouldn't be all dark. Recently I have noticed that my eyes are no longer brown but a light green. My eyes used to go this colour after I had been crying. Perhaps I've cried so many tears they're not going back. Perhaps the new colour and lightness in my eyes is because of the hope I hold for the joy our Rainbow will bring. My smiles for Cooper are genuine. He brings so much love and unlimited happiness into my life. Everyday he gives me another reason to love him. Is it selfish of me to want more? To want that with Hunter too. Seeing Cooper learn and grow is such an amazing journey to be such a big part of. We are blessed enough to be given another chance with Rainbow but on the same note we are missing that for a whole person. All of our lives we will continue wonder and dres 'what if'. If one good thing has come of loosing Hunter it is definitely that I am a better Mother. I was never a bad mother but now I know I am an amazing Mum. One day my kids will read this blog and feel my hurt and anguish but they will also realise the courage it takes to continue to be a mother. I don't just exist as their Mum but I do my very best, I live each day with them, I am patient, I make sure their every need is put before my own. I love them with everything I am, I teach them, kiss them, hold them, encourage them. To be a Mum and Dad again after loosing a child takes courage. We have courage and for that I am proud. There is an ancient word that represents power, strength and courage. We have chosen this word as the name of our third son. Thank you Hunter for teaching me I am a good parent and for giving me the strength and courage to carry on being a mother and parnter. I love you.

Be Happy Baby

Hey Hunter, I've been missing you more than I can say this weekend. We all went away to the beach and as Mathew and Cooper were swimming I sat on the deck and wondered what I would be doing if you were here. I struggle to imagine what it would be like. It's so hard now, you've been gone nearly nine months, I don't know what you look like now and that makes Mummy sad. I lie in bed at night and try to go back to those two nights we were all at home together and you would only sleep snuggled up next to me. I clearly remember thinking to myself 'I won't make you sleep in you basinette, you've got lots of time to sleep in there'. So I kept you against me and loved every second. I'm glad I did that. At the very very least I wish I wish I wish I could see you now. I love you Hunter, life has been really hard without you. I think about you all day and try my hardest to dream about you every night. Be happy baby. Look after your brothers and Mummy and Daddy.