Time doesn't heal

It's been nearly 6 months since I gave birth to my beautiful second son, Hunter. The past six months have been nothing short of hell. Everything I do feels wrong and each night when the day gets quiet and I've put Cooper to bed I think about how my day would have been if Hunter had still been with us. It's so easy to imagine, to daydream about a life better than the one I have now. A whole life. Unbroken. Most days I still can't believe that all the events of the past 6 months actually happened. It feels unreal. It feels like Hunter will come back and we'll forget about this nightmare. I've said that before, it still feels the same. I can't even write down who the person I used to be was. I have no idea who that person is but she died with Hunter and like him, won't be seen again. I miss Hunter and the old life I had so much. I love Hunter and I would never wish to take the days we spent together away but sometimes I wish the whole thing hadn't happened. I wish I could re-start and change something so death wouldn't take him. The last couple of months my eye has been twitching. I think it's the stress getting to me. I have headaches every day and forget the small things. I try to look nice but it doesn't happen because I care so much less. Mathew and I have a strong bond that I doubt will ever break. Time hasn't healed any wounds yet. I doubt it will. I think maybe the wounds just become less apparent over time. Dear Hunter, I wish every day that you would come back to us. People say that heaven is a better place but its not. There can be no better place for a baby than with his Mummy and Daddy who love him endlessly. There is going to be an article paper about you tomorrow. To help me to raise money for Starship in your memory. I have do something to make your life worth it. It'll always be worth it for me and Daddy but to make it worth something to other sick babies too. I love you Hunter. I haven't been to see you as much the last couple of weeks. I feel like I've been so busy and can't stop to relax with you. I have a gift for you so Dadyy, Cooper and I will bring it up to you tomorrow morning. You are getting quite a good collection of gifts! Cooper has been giving you lots of hugs and kisses when he goes to see you. You get way better kisses than we do! He also has a little possy on your stone where he sits and plays with your toys. It's beautiful but it breaks my heart a little more. Cooper loves his little brother. I'll see you again my love, but not just yet. I love you. xxxx Mummy xxxx

Baby Loss Awareness Month - Day 2, Identity

Hunter.  A very strong name for a very strong boy.

I love your name.  I wish we had more time. 

My heart is broken and breaking a little bit more each day.

I had lunch with you today Hunter.  I imagined us sitting together in the sun, lying on the grass and listening to the birds.  I'd probably tell you how nice and warm it is and you'd smile at me in agreeance.
Instead I sat by your stone.  Your sleeping body lying in your bed just below me.

You are so beautiful and so perfect. 

I find myself asking why it had to be you so often these days. 

I want our rainbow.