Returning to Starship

Yesterday we went back to Starship.  Back to PICU.  We stood outside the room that took from Hunter from us.

Going back there was different to what I had tried to imagine.  When I was there with Hunter I remember it as quiet, a place with only a couple of children, empty hallways and the same night and day.  Yesterday it was a loud, busy, fast paced place packed with sick children.  In the hallways there is machines and trolleys outside every room and Doctors and Nurses seemed to be rushing around everywhere. I saw none of this when we were there.  All I saw was Hunter and Hunter's doctors.

I cried in buckets.  Seeing Hunters Doctor I broke down, it brought it all back.  He was so genuine, so caring and helpful.  He tried his best with Hunter.  It meant a lot to me to have him remember Hunter.

Starship has seen just two cases of HSV that has done what it did to Hunter.  One of those cases was Hunter.  

Waitakere Hospital had never seen it.  And probably never will again.  

Hunter and the other little boy or girl are being written about in a medical journal.  

Waitakere Hospital has since been educated by Starship on HSV in babies.

I don't think I am going to get my answers as with this type illness the doctors can only make assumptions.  There is a margin of error when testing for viruses so if something doesn't add up in the tests they just have to assume that those tests have provided false results.  It will take me a long time to accept this.

Dear Hunter,

I am so sorry.  I don't know if I will be able to find out why.  It's all so unfair and doesn't seem to make sense.  

The days and nights seem to be getting longer and harder.  

Tomorrow you are two months old!  I wish so badly I could have spent that time with you, that I could see you now.  

Love you forever Hunter Christopher Gray.

xxx Mummy xxx