Happy Mothers Day

Mothers Day

Morning Hunter!

I was reading the Mother's Day card Daddy wrote to me from you and  Cooper. I cried and cried. We were such a perfect family that day. 

I feel like I'm forgetting you because I can't cry all the time.  Sometimes I even feel like a bad Mum because we are trying to start having some fun again.  I'll never forget you though. I'll always be with you just like you will always be with me. 

My laptop is broken and its hard to write on my phone. It'll be fixed soon though. 

We took Cooper to the Zoo this weekend, he ran around and played with Daddy. He's such a good Dad, you boys are lucky to have him. 

Cooper woke up at 3.30 this morning and just wanted cuddles, so he slept in between Daddy and I.  I think that was the first time he's ever actually slept with us. It was nice until he woke me up at 6.10.  Too early.

I wish you were here.  I love you no matter what.

I miss you today Hunter.

I wish you were here with all my heart.

I love you my baby.  Daddy, Cooper and I are coming up to see you at the cemetery.
Keep the sun shining for us xx

Man of My Dreams

Hi Hunter,

Last night I dreamt of you.  Good dreams all night and I now know that you are with me.

You and I were at a beach somewhere, it was really warm.  Daddy had taken Cooper down to play on the sand and we were sitting on a big whicker chair on a deck watching them.

You have grown since the last time I saw you which makes me very happy.  You have quite a lot more black hair (must grow like weeds like your brothers does!).  You are starting to get that layer of cute baby chubbiness and were smiling at me as I talked to you about swimming in the ocean.  

I woke up this morning feeling like I had spent some time with you and I told Daddy with excitement in my voice about the things that we did at the beach.  All four us.  The way it should be.

I said we would let you grow up and you are.  

It's not good enough though.  I still wish all day that you were here with me but if you can visit me each night in my dreams I'll happily take it.

I'll hold you again one day my little love.  But for now you are the man of my dreams.  

A New Day

Today is a new day and my focus is of course Cooper but when he has his sleep rather than preparing dinner, doing the washing and housework I am concentrating on my latest mission, raising money for Starship.

They really deserve all the help they can get.  The Mobile Phone Appeal is something that Starship started last year and they raised over $1 million dollars.

I've made up this poster and have given it to a few friends, family members and businesses to post around the place and in their offices.  I'll also be putting it in mailboxes around my area.  Everything helps.  I think having a story to tell people or even just making reference to our Hunter will encourage people to get behind the cause.

Soon Mathew and I will be going back to Starship, back to PICU, back into the room where Hunter took those last precious breaths in our arms.  

When we go back I want to take something positive with us.  

Good Days & Bad Days

Today was a bad day.  I cried a lot for you Hunter, but this evening I decided to try and make a difference.

I will be fundraising for Starship and for children just like you.  Maybe together you and I can make a little bit of difference.   

This has made my day better. 

I'll make you proud Hunter.

Good night Baby Boy xx

Kindness

I caught up with a beautiful friend this morning.  It is not a good day for me but she wasn't scared to ask me how I am or ask me questions.  I love the brave people.  

Talking about Hunter is sometimes hard but most of the time I talk about him and it gives me comfort and makes the day a little brighter.  

Today a very kind person has had a star named after Hunter.  I will find that star and know it is his.  Thank you.

This photo was yesterday, me and my little rock.

Playlist for Hunter

A friend has asked me to post the Playlist that Mathew and I made for Hunter's funeral.

We chose each song carefully.  Each song means something to us.  Now they are Hunters songs.

You Raise Me Up - Josh Groban

You Are My Sunshine - Elizabeth Mitchell

You and Me - Eccentric Soul

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad - Meatloaf

Sara - Fleetwood Mac

Lay Your Love on Me - Roachford

Imagine - John Lennon 

Halleluja - Leonard Cohen

Father & Son - Cat Stevens

Dream Weaver - Gary Wright

Candle in the Wind - Elton John

Angels - Robbie Williams

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Back for Good - Take That

Holding Back the Years - Simply Red

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues - Elton John

You Were Meant for Me - Jewel

I'll Be Missing You - Puff Daddy & Faith Evans

You Are My Sunshine is Hunters Song.  We played this song as Mathew and I carried him out to the car to take him to his final resting place.

I love you Hunter, you are my sunshine

I Miss you

I don't feel strong today Hunter.  It's been three days since I had any decent sleep and it's making it harder for me to cope.  I need food and I need sleep but I just can't do it.

Life is so unfair.  Nelson Mandela has lived over 90 years and you got 10 days.  I wish he could live less and you more.  

I have been listening to your songs every day and lighting your candle.  The candle is nearly gone.

Last night I dreamt you were here again.  Maybe you are here in my dreams?  

One day I'll get to hold you in my arms again.  Until then I will long for it.

I don't know why you're gone, I just want this nightmare to be over and have you back.  I feel like I deserve to have you back.

Dear Hunter

This morning I woke to find over 200 people had read your story. Going to bed this evening over 2,000 people from around the world have read about you.

I am proud to share your story and talk about you.  You deserve it.

It has been just over five weeks since you got your wings.  I am struggling to feel you with me but I know that one day soon I will start to feel your presence, just out of reach.  Daddy knows you are with him.  He got your hand prints tattooed on his arm.

I am having a necklace made out of the moulds that were taken when we were at Starship, they are shrinking your tiny feet even tinier and setting them in silver for me to put on a chain.  I should have it this week or next.

The last few nights have not been so good for me.  I dreamt about you all night then woke up and remembered it was just a dream.  Daddy has started back at Crossfit so he is leaving really early and I've been waking up alone. Being alone is the hardest.

A psychic said that when a baby passes over who is too young to make decisions of their own about how they will remain on the other side that their Mum decides for them.  If their Mum wants them to grow up then through the memories that Mum creates that baby will grow up.  I will let you grow Hunter, you're going to grow big and strong like Dad and Cooper.  At just over six weeks old you are starting to chub up, you are smiling and cooing.  

I love you Hunter.   

How are You?

I get asked how I am a million times every day.  The truth is, I don't know how I feel.  

I am angry and I often feel like I have failed.  I told Hunter on his first night with me that I would always keep him safe.  I didn't do that, I failed.  

Part of my anger is directed at Waitakere Hospital and the care that they didn't give Hunter.  To try and help with this I made a complaint to the Health & Disability Commissioner.  Well, they agree.  An investigation is under way with Waitakere Hospital.  I have mixed emotions about this.  On one hand I feel good, I wasn't just a grieving mother.  But on the other hand it means that in those days Hunter didn't have the best care he could get.

I have been having counselling and trying out spiritual avenues to find some comfort.  I haven't found my 'niche' yet but am enjoying seeing my counsellor.  

My next post will be the start of my letters to Hunter.  

"Normal"

After a funeral people go back to their lives and some expect that things would go back to normal for us.  This is normal now. For me normal is grieving for my son who didn't get to grow up, feeling a big empty space where Hunter lived, no sleep, hardly any food, tears, fear.  Normal is not knowing what to do with my hands and not being able to make eye contact.  

I have been suffering with anxiety in the month that has passed. I have lost all confidence with Cooper.  But I know that I will regain this confidence just as I know that things will get a bit easier.  Not today and not tomorrow but one day things will get easier.

The sun will shine.

Over the past month I have learnt a lot.  A lot about myself and a lot about other people.

I know exactly who my friends are.  There are people I thought were friends that aren't.  Some peoples selfishness has amazed me.  On the other hand there are people I thought I was just friends with on facebook because we have friends in common who have turned out to be the most amazing people.

I have learnt that I am a terrible communicator!  The reason I'm blogging.

I have learnt not to judge.  Life is short, why care what others are doing or thinking?  It doesn't matter so I don't waste my time.

I will never take my children or family for granted.  Not for a second.  When shit hit the fan every single member of our families were there.  They came from far and wide for us. 

Yesterday I learnt that the person I am today is the person I am going to be.  I was waiting to feel 'normal' again and like myself but I realised that this is normal, this is me.

And lastly, I have learnt that I am lucky.    

My Babies Funeral

Thursday 23rd May we buried our baby boy.  More than a hundred people from all over turned out to say goodbye to Hunter and support Mathew and I.

We arranged his service, we chose his bed, his resting place, carefully picked each and every song that would be played, we spoke and we carried is bed to where he now lies.

Mathew and I wanted to do as much as we could for our son.  Be as close to him as we could.  

We asked people to dress in bright clothes, I didn't want a room full of black.  

I am proud of what we did for Hunter. 

People say that a funeral is closure, I don't believe there is ever 'closure' after loosing a child.  In time I will learn to live with my grief but it will never be gone.

One day I will be able to put Hunter in a special place in my heart where I will visit him and remember.  

I will always have two sons and we will always be a family of four.  Cooper will grow up knowing he has a brother.  A brother with wings.  

The Days that Followed

The minutes and hours that passed after Hunter left us were a blur.  It seemed there was no noise in the busy hallways of PICU, no people, no doctors, no nurses.  No one but us and Hunter.

A lady came to take photos of him for us.  She took plaster casts of his hands and feet for us.  The nurses that cared for Hunter took glittered prints of his hands and feet for a book they were making for us.  Some of his black hair was put in the book too.

These were things we could take home with us. 

We washed Hunter with warm water and baby soap and got him dressed in the only outfit that was small enough to fit him. The outfit he would stay in.

We took Hunter home with us that night.  We strapped him in his car seat put his hat on, wrapped in a blanket so he wouldn't get cold.

That night he slept in his room for the first time.  

20.05.2013

HSV?  But how?  

I knew that I have antibodies to HSV-1 but have never had a cold sore.  Mathew gets cold sores on occasion but not recently.  
Babies can get it from Mum if she has Genital Herpes and passes it on through birth.  But I don't have genital herpes?  I didn't give birth vaginally?  I don't have a cold sore anywhere to give him?  This didn't make sense. I had a lot of questions but it wasn't going to save Hunters life by asking them now so I accepted it and went back to concentrating on Hunter.

By about mid day with a failed liver, failing kidneys and an abnormal brain his blood pressure was now very low and his heart rate was very high.  

We were told that they still had a couple of things to try.

At 2pm we were booked in to see a Social Worker.  That's weird, we thought.  Why do we need a social worker?

Also at 2pm a doctor was coming to do an EEG on Hunters brain.  This was going to take about an hour and we couldn't be there when they did it because we were not able to touch Hunter.

"That's OK, we are seeing the Social Worker at 2 anyway", I said.

Our doctor said he would come too so he could chat to us about what they were going to do next for Hunter.      

2:15pm on May 20 2013 our doctor told us that Hunter was going to die.  He had multiple organ failure and no brain activity.

Numb.  Shocked.  Devastated.  Totally blind sided.  Cold.  

Hunter was going to die but we had the choice of turning off his Life Support.

I replied to the doctor "But he's not on Life Support, how are supposed to turn it off if he's not even on it?"

I was freezing.  I was so cold I couldn't think.  My baby was dying.  

I called my Mum who had just left with Cooper, I told her to come back because we were going to turn off Hunters Life Support.  She told the rest of the family.

I thought we had a few days before we had to do it.  Wrong again.    He was going to die today.

We arranged for him to be baptised Catholic like me.  And we gave him the name Matthew for his baptism.  Hunter Christopher Matthew Gray. 

At 16:50 on May 20 2013 our baby boy took his last breaths in my arms.  Hunter was in my arms and Mathews arms were around us both.  

The Virus

Our world is falling apart and we can't stop it.  We can't control it.

Hunter would get better, I told myself.  We would live in Starship for a few weeks or maybe a month but pretty soon it'd all be behind us and we would be able to show Hunter the photos we'd taken when he was older.  We'd tell him how sick he was but that he fought for Mummy and Daddy and got better.

Another night with one hours sleep.  

The morning of 20 May Hunter was chewing on the tube in his mouth.  "Is he hungry?" I asked his nurse.  No, he wasn't hungry.   He was having seizures and was booked in for another CT Scan.

Mathew and I overheard someone say that there was no bleeding on his brain but that the brain looked "abnormal".  Abnormal?  Abnormal how?  Abnormal why?  

We asked questions of our doctor but he couldn't give us an answer yet, he needed the specialist to read the scan.  Right now, he told us, we need to focus on his liver.

Around mid day we were told his Kidneys were failing.  

They also knew the cause of his illness.  The HSV Virus.  The cold sore virus.   

Giving his Body a Break

We had a rough night.  

Mathew and I stayed by his bed all night except for a shower and a one hour nap from 3-4am.  When we were power walking back down to PICU I said to Mathew "yesterday was bad but today will be better". 

They didn't give us his blood results through the night so were anxious to hear how he'd improved.  Some levels were up but others were down.  Hunter has a 50/50 chance of survival.  Well Mathew and I decided to take that as a positive.  50% is still a pass right?  And besides, we'd given him a strong name, he'd be strong for us.

Hunter was making little cries which I was able to settle him and calm him, like a Mum should.  We thought this was a good sign, he had fight in him!

Later that morning Hunter was still having the apnaec episodes.  The Clinical Director came in to see Hunter and decided that his body needed to have a rest so they were going to put him on a machine to help him breathe.  Just to give his body a break.

It wasn't until much later we would learn what this was.  Life Support.

Today was not better.

Starship Childrens Hospital

We are in Starship with 8 day old Hunter.  How did this happen?  How did we get here?  What went wrong?  What did I do wrong?

At this point we still don't know what it is that is making him so sick.  

Starship is amazing and horrible.  I don't think I will ever forget sitting in the emergency department, Hunter was still in his capsule strapped onto the ambulance stretcher and a little boy about Coopers age (12 months) walked past towing a trolley with an oxygen tank on it.  This moment it all became real to me.  We were the parents of a child sick enough to be at Starship.

Soon we were visited by the Liver Specialist.  He gently told us that Hunters Liver was very sick and failing.  They were going to give him platelets as a "bandaid" for his Liver until they could figure out if it was the virus that was making the liver sick or if the liver was sick and making the rest of him sick.   

Next we were transferred to PICU, Pediatrics Intensive Care Unit.  A place that shouldn't exist or at least a place we shouldn't be visiting.  

We had to wait a long time while the doctors and nurses hooked Hunter up to all sorts of machines, they had him in just a nappy and I was concerned he would be cold.  The bassinette had a heated mat under him and a heater above so he wasn't cold.  It's funny the things you worry about when so much more major things are going on.

A room was given to us in Ronald McDonald House.  Would we be here for a while?  

Throughout the day we were seen by every specialist doctor they had.  Both of our families had arrived now so we had all the support we needed.  

Nobody should see their baby the way we were looking at Hunter.  

Mathew and I had not slept in over two days but we would not leave Hunters side.  We sat and talked to him and held his hand the whole day.  I would continue to change his nappies and wipe his mouth when he dribbled the sticky glucose that was being given to replace milk.

Later that day Hunter started having Apnaec episodes where he'd stop breathing briefly.  A mask was put over his mouth and nose and he was started on CPAP.  The mask was tight around his head and I hated it.  It was too tight. 

Hunter was having blood taken every three hours to keep an eye on his platelet count and to hopefully capture the active virus that was doing this.  

We still had no answers.

  

Waitakere - Day 2

Mine and Hunters first night in hospital was long and lonely.  I cried and cried.  I was phoning Mathew telling him I couldn't do it, it was too hard and I was scared.  He told me over and over that I could do it, I was strong and needed to be strong for Hunter.  We got through the night but Hunter had fed poorly and was increasingly hard to wake.

I expressed my concerns to the nurses that visited our room but as with the Dr at Apollo Centre my concerns were dismissed.  Just as I did the time before I pressed on and went with my gut.  Early that morning I asked to see a doctor.  I wanted to discuss Hunters condition and get some reassurance regarding his condition.  The Doctors were busy at that time but someone would be around by 8am.

8am came and went, Mathew had arrived by this time and also wanted to see a doctor as it was obvious to him that Hunter was worse.  I rang the bell to ask again to see a doctor.  13 minutes went by and no nurses came to see us.  I went out to find one myself to be told that the doctors were busy with other children and other emergencies.  My 8 day old son who I could barely wake  wasn't an emergency.  

Another few hours of waiting went by.  Nurses came in, looked at the machine administering Hunters medicine then left.  They didn't speak to us, they didn't look at Hunter.  Just looked at the machine.

That evening I was not letting Mathew go home.  My Mum was now down from Whangarei, she would have Cooper and Mat could stay with Hunter and I.  I needed the support.  Visiting hours had closed before we got to see a doctor - after 8pm.  The doctor who saw us said that Hunters condition was a far different picture to that stated in his notes and had she known this she would have seen him sooner. I was told to lay a complaint.  

By morning Hunter had a feeding tube up his nose and into his stomach.  He was on oxygen and had been booked in for a CT Scan of his brain.    

The scan of his brain showed nothing abnormal but we were told we would be transferred to Starship.

Mathews tears started now too.

Waitakere Hospital Day 1 - The Start

Today's plan was much the same as the previous days, family time.  Getting used to juggling two babies and a visit to the midwife to get Hunter weighed and checked.

The night before I had noticed a wee spot of infection on Hunters scalp which was the site where an electrode probe was put on his head during labour to monitor his heartbeat more accurately.  I had taken a photo of the sore and sent it to my midwife who said to go grab some Bactroban from the pharmacy and check it in the morning.

In the morning the infection was worse so I decided that on the way to see the midwife I would stop in and have Hunter checked by a Dr at Apollo Centre.  I brought up my concerns about the amount Hunter was sleeping while he was looking at his head.  The Dr I saw said there was no need for concern about the sleeping or the scalp infection.  I questioned this with him, reiterating his age of just 6 days and being pre term.  "He's fine, we don't like to give any antibiotics to babies so young" was his response to my concerns.  

My instincts told me something more was going on.  I listened to my intuition and took Hunter to Waitakere Hospital. 

I stopped in at home on my way and told Mathew what I was doing and for him to stay at home and look after Cooper, I'd be home soon.

At Waitakere I was seen quickly by a Dr who looked at Hunter and told me he'd need to take some blood.  At this point I broke down.  I was so upset, my son had already had blood taken the day after leaving hospital to check his Billy Rueben levels for Jaundice and it was traumatic, Hunter screamed and screamed and I didn't want him to go through that again.  A nurse came to talk to me and try to calm me and rationalise it for me, it was just a blood test to check for bacterial infection.  

I eventually calmed down enough for the Dr to begin taking the blood.  Hunter made small cries but nothing compared to a couple of days prior.  

An hour later the results came in showing a small bacterial infection so antibiotics would be started, by IV.  Once again the tears flowed and I was being comforted by a nurse, "is there any family who can be here to support you?"  At this time there wasn't.  I didn't want Cooper there and there was no one else to mind him but Mathew.  I was so scared and alone.  

A tiny line was put in Hunters arm.  He didn't cry.  I was doing all the crying for him.  I knew in my heart of hearts that if Hunter was admitted to hospital he wasn't coming home.  

More blood was taken next.  Then a Lumbar Puncture was done.  Then a catheter was put in.  Then we were admitted to the Rangitira Childrens Ward.

This is not how the first week of life is supposed to play out.

My Three Boys

Finally we were home!  Time to start our lives with our newest addition.  

Me and my three boys.  I was going to be super-mum.  

Quickly we organised the house to suit our two kids, basinette in the bedroom, nappies upstairs and down, wipes, cloths in case of spills.  All done.  

The first night I bathed Cooper and Mat minded Hunter, he'd slept most of the afternoon except for topping up his tummy.  Only one moment of chaos when both kids were screaming.  We sat back and laughed at this because it was exactly what we wanted - a busy house focused around our children.

Mathews Mum came over that evening and spent some time having cuddles with tiny Hunter.  I said to Fi about how he'd slept most of the afternoon which she replied, newborns sleep a lot and I have to remember he is pre-term, small, had a long labour and is a bit jaundiced.  I clearly remember saying "OK, so he's fine".

He was due to wake at about 8pm and he tended to stay up for a couple of hours cluster feeding so I was prepared for this.  It's funny how quickly you get to know your baby's routine.  It was nearing 9pm and he hadn't woken.  Normally I wouldn't wake a newborn for feeds but he was so small I thought I had better make sure he was eating enough.  I took of his nappy to make him wake up.  As soon as he was awake he was hungry and began feeding. 

That night he woke just twice.  What a good boy!

Day two at home.  We spent the day mucking around, did some grocery shopping as a family of four.  Took some fun photos of the three boys and just generally hung out as the happy family we were.

Day three at home things changed.

The First Days

Hunter is perfect.  He looks so much like Cooper did when he was tiny.  Hunters nose curved slightly to the right just like Mathews does, he had huge hands and feet with funny curled up toes like Mathew, he had big black eyes like Mathew and black like hair like him too.  Hunter was going to grow up to look even more like his Daddy than Cooper does.  I was so excited to watch my boys up, to see Mathew grow with his sons.  He is such a good Daddy, I felt so blessed to have these three amazing boys in my life.  Perfection.

My time in hospital with Hunter was great.  He was so loud and aggressive!  And what an awesome feeder he was!  When he was hungry he'd shout at me and jump on the breast and feed furiously.  I had problems feeding Cooper so I was very excited about the prospect of being able to breast feed Hunter successfully.  During my pregnancy breast feeding was the one thing I wanted to do differently to with Cooper. Another tick in the box.

Three days passed, I was healing well and was getting my strength back.  They still don't know what was wrong with me but the minute Hunter was born I was well again, not a single fever, headache or chill...

Hunter continued to be a dream baby.  Fed well, slept pretty good for as far as newborns go.  I would talk to him in the wee hours of the morning, tell him of the plans we had, I told him all about his big brother and his Daddy.  I told him I would always look after him and that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to him.  

The following day we were going home as a family of four.  We would go for walks to the park in the double pram, trips out with two kids in the back of the car.  I thought everyone should be jealous because I had two perfect baby boys and the best father for my children.  Life was so totally perfect.  

Labour & Birth

8th May 2013, 36 weeks

Wow I'm 36 weeks pregnant already!  Cooper was born at 37 weeks so I was hoping for the same, not long to go!

I hadn't been having a good week, was feeling anxious and sick.  A couple of days later I was a wreck. Fevers, chills, headaches and very emotional.  My Mum came down from Whangarei to help me with Cooper as Mathew couldn't stay home from work.  There was thing on my mind that was stressing me out as I neared my due date and that was "I haven't got Hunters' first outfit ready".  So, off Mum, Cooper and I went to get Hunter's outfit that he would wear home.  We had been out for about an hour, I was freezing!  My fingers and lips were blue despite us being inside a mall and me dressed in jeans, t-shirt and two cardies.  We decided to quickly find what we wanted then we'd get me home and warm.  In Farmers I couldn't choose the clothes.  I physically couldn't choose them.  When Mum asked me what was wrong and am I sure I'm not in labour I said "I'm not in labour but something doesn't feel right".  I couldn't pinpoint how I was feeling all I could say was that something didn't feel right.  

Mum suggested I contact my midwife.  I told her how I was feeling and she said, it doesn't sound like pregnancy sick but that I was just sick and should get myself to the Dr as soon as could. 

I made an appointment to see my Dr that afternoon at 4pm.  I had a temperature of 39.5, was freezing  freezing cold and Hunter's heart rate was pretty high.  I was given paracetemol to get the temp down and told to take off my pants and jumpers and wait for half an hour.  The time went by and my temperature went down but not enough so I was told to go to North Shore Hospital, my Dr would call ahead to let them know I was coming.

North Shore Hospital is where I would stay until I had my baby boy safe in my arms.

From this point on things kept going wrong and getting worse for me. 

After seven attempts a line was put in, blood was taken, urine was taken, an exam of my cervix was done several times, blood cultures were done twice and I even had a rectal swab done, had a chest x-ray and an ultrasound of all my organs and Hunter's amniotic fluid.  They did every test they could think of and everything with me was fine.  Although I was still very sick and my temperature could not be brought down there was nothing they could find that was causing this horrible fever.  At this point I was having contractions every nine to ten minutes.

Through the night the tests continued to no avail.  

I was worried about Hunter, his heart rate was still quite high but I was assured by my midwife and other hospital midwives that this was OK as long as the heart rate was consistently high.  If it started fluctuating from high to low that indicates distress.

On the 9th of May and my fevers and chills continuing a Doctor came and asked me if I wanted them to get things moving and induce my labour.  I asked the Dr what she thought was best which her opinion was to induce.  At 5:30pm that evening I had an induction and by 7pm I was having strong contractions every five or so minutes and fevers peaking every 20-30 minutes.  What a ride this was!  

10 May 2013 my waters broke at 7:30am.  I thought it was all on, it was like the contractions instantly got worse.  I had an exam at around 9am to see how I was progressing...I wasn't.  So many contractions, so close together and nothing!  I still had a 2cm cervix and was only just 1cm dilated.  After all that I hadn't done anything.  What a disappointment!  I was now exhausted and still battling the fevers and emotions.  It was at this point the tears really started, I felt there was no way I could push a baby out.  And how much longer would it be before I got to 10cm??  I told Mathew and Mum that I it was going to end up being a C-Section.

So, at 8pm on May 10 after nearly 49 hours of labour two epidurals and eight doses of the anesthetic off I went for a caesar.  In theatre with Mathew was with me, I was very scared.  I found it a difficult thing to process.  Having my big tummy cut open and my baby pulled out while I was awake.

Well, turns out that just as the epidural didn't numb me the anesthetic didn't numb me either.  So under a general I went.  

Hunter was born at 8:30pm on May 10 2013.  He was 6 pound 4 ounces and 49cm long.  He was very loud, breathing well and scored 9 on his APGARs. What a relief!  Mathew met him first and was given him a bottle to feed him.  A very proud Daddy.  

It was after 9pm by the time I met him.  He was just perfect and tiny!  In the days spent in hospital that followed I learnt thay Hunter was a strong, loud, hungry and wilful little boy.  He was to give Cooper a run for his money!

Everything was perfect.