Square One

Every now and again I feel a build up of emotion and hurt that I need to let out. I still don't know how to let that out in any other way than with tears. On Sunday Hunter would have 6 months old. We're onto Tuesday now and I still can't pull myself together. I feel like I am back at square one. I have that huge weight back on my shoulders, my heart hurts and I can feel every beat. It's hard to breathe. Nothing seems significant or exciting anymore. Maybe this will come back with time, maybe it won't. Everything has a big dark cloud over it. Every special occasion is riddled with the greif that Hunter isn't here. I don't know how I am going to truly enjoy life again. I don't know how to find my way back there. I've been thinking a lot about my Great Uncle Phil. I have never been close to him, he lives a few hours away and is much older. His wife, my Grandmas sister, passed away last year. Only after Hunter died did I learn that they had a son pass away too. Even though they lived in a time where talking about the death of child wasn't the done thing (I still don't think it is...) they visited Alex every year at Christmas and at Aunty Eve's funeral Phil said that she was finally back with Alex. When Uncle Phil learned of the death of Hunter he cried. It's both admirable and terrifying that even 50 or 60 years after Alex got his wings they still hurt for him, still miss him and still talked of him. It's only now that I realise the significance of their oldest Grandchild, Alex. Maybe one day one of our kids will name their son Hunter, after their brother they didn't get to meet but have heard a lot about. Even though I haven't seen Uncle Phil in years and didn't go to Aunty Eves funeral, I am going to write to him. He's the only family member who has been here. Maybe they had a tradition that perhaps Mathew and I can adopt. I also feel the need to ask for a picture of Aunty Eve around the time she was pregnant or they lost Alex. I think I have seen her. I keep seeing a woman with a baby and an older child who I get the feeling is her son. The baby is Hunter. Maybe it is Aunty Eve and her Alex taking care of Hunter. Maybe. Cooper and Hunter are the biggest things in our lives. Cooper is the one who keeps me going, he makes me feel happy, he gives me hope and he gets me out of bed every day. Without him I don't know where I would be. One day when he is much older I hope that Cooper will understand how much he helped us through this time. Hunter keeps me going in a different way. I want him to be proud of his Mumma. I want him to be looking at me and Mathew and smile because we've done something good despite the horribleness of the situation. I want him to be proud that we still managaed to raise his beautiful, thriving big brother. I want him to be proud that we are better people because of him. Both the boys make me a person. I love them millions.