72 Days Gone

It's been 72 days since you left us.  We think about you everyday, talk about you everyday and wish like hell that we will wake up from this terrible nightmare, everyday.

It's not just a nightmare though.  There are so many things that remind me this is real.  We visit your tiny grave nearly everyday.  I open the curtains in your room each morning. In your room it feels the way I feel - empty, quiet and cold.  

We have you everywhere though.  In Coopers room, he sleeps with one of your blankets and has one of your teddy's.  In our room, lots of places in the lounge, the kitchen, around my neck, on Daddy's arm.  It's not enough though.

Yesterday I was sitting on the doorstep watching Cooper go up and down his slide.  It was a beautiful sunny and warm day.  I felt like I should be holding you, cuddling and feeding you while watching Cooper running and playing.  That's how yesterday should have been if things were right.

Things should have been so different for you.  I don't believe that you were meant to leave us so soon.  It was tragedy and I am so so sorry it happened to you.  Took your life away.  

I hope you are warm, happy and being fed well.  Daddy and I don't want you to be scared, we will be with you again one day.  But until then you need to be a big brave boy and you need to look after us, especially Cooper.  

Someone said over the weekend that our babies aren't perfect.  I think she was wrong.  You are perfect.  Maybe too perfect to be here.  Perfect.

Daddy and I have made a goal.  We are going to run a marathon for you.  When I'm running I think of you and it keeps me going.  I run, I cry.  

I long to see you.  

If I had one wish, I'd wish for you.

I love you Hunter Gray.  Today and always.

Love Mummy.

Returning to Starship

Yesterday we went back to Starship.  Back to PICU.  We stood outside the room that took from Hunter from us.

Going back there was different to what I had tried to imagine.  When I was there with Hunter I remember it as quiet, a place with only a couple of children, empty hallways and the same night and day.  Yesterday it was a loud, busy, fast paced place packed with sick children.  In the hallways there is machines and trolleys outside every room and Doctors and Nurses seemed to be rushing around everywhere. I saw none of this when we were there.  All I saw was Hunter and Hunter's doctors.

I cried in buckets.  Seeing Hunters Doctor I broke down, it brought it all back.  He was so genuine, so caring and helpful.  He tried his best with Hunter.  It meant a lot to me to have him remember Hunter.

Starship has seen just two cases of HSV that has done what it did to Hunter.  One of those cases was Hunter.  

Waitakere Hospital had never seen it.  And probably never will again.  

Hunter and the other little boy or girl are being written about in a medical journal.  

Waitakere Hospital has since been educated by Starship on HSV in babies.

I don't think I am going to get my answers as with this type illness the doctors can only make assumptions.  There is a margin of error when testing for viruses so if something doesn't add up in the tests they just have to assume that those tests have provided false results.  It will take me a long time to accept this.

Dear Hunter,

I am so sorry.  I don't know if I will be able to find out why.  It's all so unfair and doesn't seem to make sense.  

The days and nights seem to be getting longer and harder.  

Tomorrow you are two months old!  I wish so badly I could have spent that time with you, that I could see you now.  

Love you forever Hunter Christopher Gray.

xxx Mummy xxx

  

Butterflies

Butterflies

Today I can feel myself loosing it.  I've been OK the last couple of days.  I spent an hour or so sitting by your grave the other day.  I cried and cried as I talked to you but it felt good.  I felt close to you.

You have a blue butterfly flying around your spot.  It's solar powered and very cool.

Cooper hasn't been sleeping very well, I think he may be getting my cold.  I'm worrying myself sick.

I hope you weren't in pain.  This is something I've been thinking about today and it makes me so sad.  I am scared for you Hunter. I hope you weren't hurting.  

Today I can feel my big empty space where you used to live. It hurts and I can't stop it.

I don't even know what to say to you, I just want you here.  Why did we have to loose you?  We loved you so much and so many hopes and dreams for our family.  Why couldn't a family who didn't love their baby so much loose theirs?  I don't understand.   I want to go back and change something, be a better person or do something different so that I can have you back.  My whole word is upside down without you.

You will be 8 weeks old tomorrow.  You are starting to hold your head up well, sleeping more at night and focusing those big dark eyes on Mummy and Daddy.  

Sleep well my boy.  I love you xx