"Normal"

After a funeral people go back to their lives and some expect that things would go back to normal for us.  This is normal now. For me normal is grieving for my son who didn't get to grow up, feeling a big empty space where Hunter lived, no sleep, hardly any food, tears, fear.  Normal is not knowing what to do with my hands and not being able to make eye contact.  

I have been suffering with anxiety in the month that has passed. I have lost all confidence with Cooper.  But I know that I will regain this confidence just as I know that things will get a bit easier.  Not today and not tomorrow but one day things will get easier.

The sun will shine.

Over the past month I have learnt a lot.  A lot about myself and a lot about other people.

I know exactly who my friends are.  There are people I thought were friends that aren't.  Some peoples selfishness has amazed me.  On the other hand there are people I thought I was just friends with on facebook because we have friends in common who have turned out to be the most amazing people.

I have learnt that I am a terrible communicator!  The reason I'm blogging.

I have learnt not to judge.  Life is short, why care what others are doing or thinking?  It doesn't matter so I don't waste my time.

I will never take my children or family for granted.  Not for a second.  When shit hit the fan every single member of our families were there.  They came from far and wide for us. 

Yesterday I learnt that the person I am today is the person I am going to be.  I was waiting to feel 'normal' again and like myself but I realised that this is normal, this is me.

And lastly, I have learnt that I am lucky.