Baby Loss Awareness Month - Day 1

Day 1 – Sunrise

Auckland New Zealand

Beautiful sunrise for a beautiful boy.

Today marks the 1^st day of October.  This month is Baby Loss Awareness Month.  Something I didn’t know about until this year but something that has already given me a whole new world of support from people who belong to the same group as me. 

I’m taking part in a project called “Capturing Your Grief” in honor of Hunter.  I’m creating memories for him.

I am back at work now, it’s extremely hard.  I’ve made me desk as comfy as possible with photos, quotes, memories.  But I still hate it.  I’m away from my baby Cooper and I feel so away from Hunter.  Working makes it all seem worse.  I sit at my desk and tears build up in my eyes as I think about the past four months and all the hope and happiness I had during pregnancy with Hunter.  The past two weeks I’ve felt further away from him than ever.

I realized when thinking about Hunter that I can’t remember asking his Doctors one vital question and it’s played on my mind since Saturday evening.  Did I ask them if they’ve tried everything for him?  Did I ask them to do more?  Did I ask them what would of happened if we didn’t turn his life support off?  I can’t remember.  I need to know the answer.  I will call Starship and talk to his Doctor.

I’ve been trying to do more Hunter, always more.  But I don’t know how much more I can keep doing more.  We’ve got a place for him at home with photos, candles, books, his things.  We’ve got his hand prints and foot prints.  I’ve got my necklaces, Mathew and I both have tattoos of his hand prints.  But it’s not enough.  We need more.  What are we going to do when we run out of ‘more’? 

I don’t know what to do to make it hurt less.  All of the things I’ve been doing they haven’t helped.  It keeps hurting more and more.  I miss him so much.  I just want him back.

Is death over yet?

I love you Hunter.

An angel in the book of life wrote down Hunters birth, he quickly closed the book and whispered, too beautiful for this earth.

The Future

Having the man you love ask you to marry him is something us women think about and dream about for years.  

Mathew proposed to me on Monday 16th Sept 2013.  My birthday.  
He took me (and Cooper of course) out to Muriwai.  A beach that has been our place to go on special occasions; our first valentines day when I was pregnant with Cooper and our second Valentines day and pregnant with Hunter etc.  
We had fish n chips and bubbles and while walking down to the water Mathew stopped, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  I was shocked.  Didn't expect it.  I was silent with tears rolling down my cheeks.  

Of course I said yes but the emotions were not what I expected.  I've waited and waited for this and thought I'd just jump up and down with mega excitement.  Instead I felt an immense wave of emotion, flash backs of all the wonderful moments shared.  All the times I've thought 'that's why I love him' and all the times he's made me feel like I'm the only girl in his world. Of our awesome little boy running around the sand.  Of Hunter, bringing the sunshine.  

I appreciate Mathew so much and am excited to be his wife.  To have the same name as our children.  

I know Hunter will be there with us on our special day as he is with us everyday.  I only wish it wasn't just in spirit.  

Today was four months.  Feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago. How did we make it this far?

I love you Hunter.  I love you Cooper.  I love you Mathew.


  

Grief

The thing about grief is that although I would never forget a single moment of Hunters life I have blocked out so much and the memories come back as I'm ready for them.

My memory today was from before Hunter was born.  A moment I will never forget.

As I've said before I got sick just before Hunter was born.  My Mum came down for the day to help me look after Cooper.  We decided that we'd try and cheer me up by popping to the mall to shop for the out fit we would bring Hunter home in.  

I will never ever forget being in Farmers clutching my tummy with tears rolling down my face and telling my Mum "I'm not in labour but something doesn't feel right".  

I had blocked this out until now.  My body told me things weren't right.

I wonder what else has been blocked out for the time being.  When Mathew and I visited Starship a lot came back, reading through this blog things have come back and even just talking to different people makes things come back.  It's like I have new memories of past events.  

As I start a new chapter in my life, returning to work after 16 months off I wonder how it is going to be.  I was meant to be so busy, I am not meant to be going back to work.  I feel ready but I won't really know until I get there.  It feels like I'm moving onto the next step.  Continuing with life even though some days I want to stay in the 'throws of grief'.

It's my birthday in a few days.  I don't want to be 26.  I was 25 when I had Hunter.  When I'm 26 I'm not 25 anymore.  Time is moving away from Hunter.  

  

Happy Fathers Day...

We unveiled Hunters stone on Fathers Day.  It's so perfect.  Even Hunter looks proud of it.

Fathers Day was hard.  We had a picnic with Hunter and Mathew opened his gift and card from the boys when we were there.  

I feel like a terrible parent.  A failed parent.  These days are incredibly hard.  Some days it is hard to breathe. Of all the pain and hurt we have been through I just want to go back and spend more time with him.  I wish I could hold him and kiss him. To mother him.  

I still don't understand why he had to be taken.  Why the universe has been so cruel to us.  

During the week there was an article in the newspaper about a three week old baby girl whose parents slit her throat.  How come can people be so disgusting and heartless and break all the rules of parenthood have their baby still here?  Why couldn't their baby be taken?  They didn't want her anyway...I feel sick to say that but it's how I feel.

I am struggling.  There are so many days  I sit on the floor, looking at Hunters pictures and cry.  Sometimes I want to scream, to hurt someone else as much as I am hurting.  But I don't.  It won't bring him back so I keep it inside.

I feel so lonely inside.  

My Boy,

I love you and I miss you.  Each day that goes I miss you more.  How I am I going to make through this life without seeing you again?  I wish I took more pictures.  

Thank you for coming to see me in my dreams.  I am happy you are safe an being looked after.  I only wish I had met your great nana so that I could know she'd take the best care of you.  Mummy will look after you again one day.  Better next time.  

You would be such a big now, I can imagine you sitting in the high chair eating everything in sight.  You'd be sleeping in your cot now, instead of the basinette and in a car seat rather than the capsule.  A real little boy.  You would sit in the baby bouncer outside in the sunshine, smiling and gurgling.  

I love you so much.  We are still a family of four.  

Please help Mummy to be happy again.

Love you xxx M xxx

Pain

All  day long I wear a mask.  When I smile at you, it's often my mask smiling at you.  When I say I'm good, it's my mask talking.

I am in pain.  I don't know how to feel that pain but it is always there.  Deep inside my being.  In my heart, my throat, the pit of stomach.  The pain is my arms that held you, in my lips that kissed you, my eyes that looked lovingly at you.  It is everywhere.  

I hate that people have moved on.  I hate that people don't ask about Hunter.  I hate that people no longer want to see his photos.  I hate that people talk about him in past tense.  All these things cause me more pain.

The sympathetic looks.   The idle conversation I have to smile at and pretend to enjoy.  I know what people are thinking, I can see it.  I know that when I'm gone people will talk about me.  They will say "She's the one I was telling you about.  The one whose baby died."  Some conversations would probably be bordering on excited gossip.  Some people take joy in the fact that they know me, the Mum of Hunter.  When someone hears about us and our story they can say "I know her."  

The people that do this, they do not know me.  I know the type of person that speaks of me this way.  I can see it like it's written on their foreheads in a thick black vivid. It's not everyone.  Just some.

Something that hurts just as much is the people who avoid the topic all together.  Do they think we want to forget?  I don't want to forget, not for one tiny second.  If I could I would do it all again.  I would be pregnant, I would go through that 49 hour labour, I would hold you as you died in my arms.  I would do it all again just in the hope to get an extra second with you.  One more breath.

For now I am going to be a narcissist.  I am going to be a narcissist because it is all about me.  I am going to stop worrying about what my words and feelings might do to others.  This is mine, I am going to own it.

Dear Hunter,

I love you so much my baby.  We talk about you always.  We talk about you so much that your big brother can point at your pictures and say 'Hunter'.  He knows you are here too.

You've been flying high for nearly three months now.  Its been a lifetime to me but I wish it was just yesterday.  If it was yesterday I would have held you yesterday, kissed you yesterday.  Seen you just yesterday.

I miss you.

Mummy xxx

“…Though I experienced death, I also experienced life…not after the darkness, as we might suppose, but in the darkness. I did not go through pain and come out the other side; instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow. I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it became a part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it.”–Jerry Sittser

I am two people now: one mourns and the other takes the steps that make up life.


These are from another blog I am reading.  Perfectly describes me.

I want to hold your hand again Hunter.  Such a tiny thing to ask for but one I have to wait so long for.

I visited you twice today.  Daddy and I have visited you nearly every day and it's never rained, or even spitted with rain.  We can leave the house in the most horrible weather but when we get to you the sun always shines.  You always shine.  Every single time.  That's incredible given it's been through the middle of winter.  I know you are doing it and I know you are with me.

You are my sunshine : )

I miss you so much Hunter.

I feel like I am waiting for your death to be over and for you to come back.  I want it to be over, you can come back to us now.  We have learnt our lessons and it's time to come back.

If only death worked that way.

Today I am making a memory album for you.  It's going to be really nice and like everything that is for you I am putting a lot of thought and effort into it.  It's kind of like a scrap book.  But you already know this because you are always watching me.

We (Mummy and Daddy) still feel like everything is wrong, that nothing is going right and that we are such different people now.  It's so hard to get used to.

We are still finding that some friends are true and others aren't.  This is a big thing for me, I am holding onto it maybe because I've been hurt by some peoples lack of caring.  I suppose that stuff doesn't matter, and it may be something else that is bothering me and I just haven't figured out what that is yet.  I find that happens a lot.  

I am looking for a job.  I ideally want something that helps people.  A job where I can share my experiences to help people...I don't think I'm going to find that job for a while.  One day I will but maybe now isn't the right time.

I wonder what you'd look like now.  You'd definitely be chubby.  You were such a hungry wee thing.  Maybe you'd be bald!  Or have the funny 'old man balding' that your Dad and Cooper both had.  No hair on top but lots on the sides and back.

You would probably be rolling or close to it.  I would prop you over a tri-pillow in front of a mirror so you could coo and chatter to yourself in the mirror.  And if you're anything like your brother, I think you are, you'd be kicking your arms and legs to music, getting excited and laughing.  

Cooper is getting so smart.  It's bitter sweet.  I would love to see you at his age in a years time.

Coopers recent tricks are feeding himself with a spoon or stabbing food with a fork.  He points to things now and calls everything a dog.  He hears a dog barking and points in the direction saying 'dog dog' before he can even see it.  He's a smarty pants.  He also rides his little trike around the place saying brmm brmm brmm.  

I hope you are watching him closely.  He's full of mischief.  Enough for both of you.

I had better go now baby.  I need to fold the washing and pick up al the toys.  I've got you with me all the time.  On my mind, in my heart and on my necklace.

I love you millions.  More every day.

xxx Mumma xxx