Day 1 – Sunrise
Auckland New Zealand
Beautiful sunrise for a beautiful boy.
Today marks the 1st day of October. This month is Baby Loss Awareness Month. Something I didn’t know about until this year but something that has already given me a whole new world of support from people who belong to the same group as me.
I’m taking part in a project called “Capturing Your Grief” in honor of Hunter. I’m creating memories for him.
I am back at work now, it’s extremely hard. I’ve made me desk as comfy as possible with photos, quotes, memories. But I still hate it. I’m away from my baby Cooper and I feel so away from Hunter. Working makes it all seem worse. I sit at my desk and tears build up in my eyes as I think about the past four months and all the hope and happiness I had during pregnancy with Hunter. The past two weeks I’ve felt further away from him than ever.
I realized when thinking about Hunter that I can’t remember asking his Doctors one vital question and it’s played on my mind since Saturday evening. Did I ask them if they’ve tried everything for him? Did I ask them to do more? Did I ask them what would of happened if we didn’t turn his life support off? I can’t remember. I need to know the answer. I will call Starship and talk to his Doctor.
I’ve been trying to do more Hunter, always more. But I don’t know how much more I can keep doing more. We’ve got a place for him at home with photos, candles, books, his things. We’ve got his hand prints and foot prints. I’ve got my necklaces, Mathew and I both have tattoos of his hand prints. But it’s not enough. We need more. What are we going to do when we run out of ‘more’?
I don’t know what to do to make it hurt less. All of the things I’ve been doing they haven’t helped. It keeps hurting more and more. I miss him so much. I just want him back.
Is death over yet?
I love you Hunter.
An angel in the book of life wrote down Hunters birth, he quickly closed the book and whispered, too beautiful for this earth.
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