Grief

The thing about grief is that although I would never forget a single moment of Hunters life I have blocked out so much and the memories come back as I'm ready for them.

My memory today was from before Hunter was born.  A moment I will never forget.

As I've said before I got sick just before Hunter was born.  My Mum came down for the day to help me look after Cooper.  We decided that we'd try and cheer me up by popping to the mall to shop for the out fit we would bring Hunter home in.  

I will never ever forget being in Farmers clutching my tummy with tears rolling down my face and telling my Mum "I'm not in labour but something doesn't feel right".  

I had blocked this out until now.  My body told me things weren't right.

I wonder what else has been blocked out for the time being.  When Mathew and I visited Starship a lot came back, reading through this blog things have come back and even just talking to different people makes things come back.  It's like I have new memories of past events.  

As I start a new chapter in my life, returning to work after 16 months off I wonder how it is going to be.  I was meant to be so busy, I am not meant to be going back to work.  I feel ready but I won't really know until I get there.  It feels like I'm moving onto the next step.  Continuing with life even though some days I want to stay in the 'throws of grief'.

It's my birthday in a few days.  I don't want to be 26.  I was 25 when I had Hunter.  When I'm 26 I'm not 25 anymore.  Time is moving away from Hunter.