We unveiled Hunters stone on Fathers Day. It's so perfect. Even Hunter looks proud of it.
Fathers Day was hard. We had a picnic with Hunter and Mathew opened his gift and card from the boys when we were there.
I feel like a terrible parent. A failed parent. These days are incredibly hard. Some days it is hard to breathe. Of all the pain and hurt we have been through I just want to go back and spend more time with him. I wish I could hold him and kiss him. To mother him.
I still don't understand why he had to be taken. Why the universe has been so cruel to us.
During the week there was an article in the newspaper about a three week old baby girl whose parents slit her throat. How come can people be so disgusting and heartless and break all the rules of parenthood have their baby still here? Why couldn't their baby be taken? They didn't want her anyway...I feel sick to say that but it's how I feel.
I am struggling. There are so many days I sit on the floor, looking at Hunters pictures and cry. Sometimes I want to scream, to hurt someone else as much as I am hurting. But I don't. It won't bring him back so I keep it inside.
I feel so lonely inside.
My Boy,
I love you and I miss you. Each day that goes I miss you more. How I am I going to make through this life without seeing you again? I wish I took more pictures.
Thank you for coming to see me in my dreams. I am happy you are safe an being looked after. I only wish I had met your great nana so that I could know she'd take the best care of you. Mummy will look after you again one day. Better next time.
You would be such a big now, I can imagine you sitting in the high chair eating everything in sight. You'd be sleeping in your cot now, instead of the basinette and in a car seat rather than the capsule. A real little boy. You would sit in the baby bouncer outside in the sunshine, smiling and gurgling.
I love you so much. We are still a family of four.
Please help Mummy to be happy again.
Love you xxx M xxx
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