Red and yellow and pink and green, Purple and orange and blue, I can sing a rainbow, Sing a rainbow, Sing a rainbow too! Listen to your heart, Listen to your heart, And sing everything you feel, I can sing a rainbow, Sing a rainbow, Sing a rainbow too

Square One

Every now and again I feel a build up of emotion and hurt that I need to let out. I still don't know how to let that out in any other way than with tears. On Sunday Hunter would have 6 months old. We're onto Tuesday now and I still can't pull myself together. I feel like I am back at square one. I have that huge weight back on my shoulders, my heart hurts and I can feel every beat. It's hard to breathe. Nothing seems significant or exciting anymore. Maybe this will come back with time, maybe it won't. Everything has a big dark cloud over it. Every special occasion is riddled with the greif that Hunter isn't here. I don't know how I am going to truly enjoy life again. I don't know how to find my way back there. I've been thinking a lot about my Great Uncle Phil. I have never been close to him, he lives a few hours away and is much older. His wife, my Grandmas sister, passed away last year. Only after Hunter died did I learn that they had a son pass away too. Even though they lived in a time where talking about the death of child wasn't the done thing (I still don't think it is...) they visited Alex every year at Christmas and at Aunty Eve's funeral Phil said that she was finally back with Alex. When Uncle Phil learned of the death of Hunter he cried. It's both admirable and terrifying that even 50 or 60 years after Alex got his wings they still hurt for him, still miss him and still talked of him. It's only now that I realise the significance of their oldest Grandchild, Alex. Maybe one day one of our kids will name their son Hunter, after their brother they didn't get to meet but have heard a lot about. Even though I haven't seen Uncle Phil in years and didn't go to Aunty Eves funeral, I am going to write to him. He's the only family member who has been here. Maybe they had a tradition that perhaps Mathew and I can adopt. I also feel the need to ask for a picture of Aunty Eve around the time she was pregnant or they lost Alex. I think I have seen her. I keep seeing a woman with a baby and an older child who I get the feeling is her son. The baby is Hunter. Maybe it is Aunty Eve and her Alex taking care of Hunter. Maybe. Cooper and Hunter are the biggest things in our lives. Cooper is the one who keeps me going, he makes me feel happy, he gives me hope and he gets me out of bed every day. Without him I don't know where I would be. One day when he is much older I hope that Cooper will understand how much he helped us through this time. Hunter keeps me going in a different way. I want him to be proud of his Mumma. I want him to be looking at me and Mathew and smile because we've done something good despite the horribleness of the situation. I want him to be proud that we still managaed to raise his beautiful, thriving big brother. I want him to be proud that we are better people because of him. Both the boys make me a person. I love them millions.

Happy Half Birthday

Tomorrow marks 6 months since Hunter touched this earth. As brief as his time here was he made a difference. He touched so many people and forever changed Mathew and I. We will always be great full for the ten days he gave us but we will always wish we had more time and that he was still here with us. Mathew and I are better people being Hunters parents. We have learnt a lot about ourselves and have been taken places we would never choose to go. Our love for each other and our family is stronger, we accept more easily and judge less. We love more. In his ten days Hunter left his footprint in our world. He made a big dent in our hearts and in our lives that will be there forever. Never forgotten and never replaced. We choose to believe that Hunter is growing up in a better place. He is sitting up now and almost crawling. Thank you to all those who have been there for us during this nightmare. To everyone who brought us food, let us cry or made us laugh. We love you and are thankful to have so many good people looking after us. Of all the pain we've been through we would do it again tomorrow just to have that time with Hunter again, maybe get another few minutes with him or give him a few more kisses to take with him. Just like we do with Cooper we love Hunter more everyday. Thank you Hunter for being here ten days. Mummy and Daddy love you. Happy half Birthday. Be good xxx

Time doesn't heal

It's been nearly 6 months since I gave birth to my beautiful second son, Hunter. The past six months have been nothing short of hell. Everything I do feels wrong and each night when the day gets quiet and I've put Cooper to bed I think about how my day would have been if Hunter had still been with us. It's so easy to imagine, to daydream about a life better than the one I have now. A whole life. Unbroken. Most days I still can't believe that all the events of the past 6 months actually happened. It feels unreal. It feels like Hunter will come back and we'll forget about this nightmare. I've said that before, it still feels the same. I can't even write down who the person I used to be was. I have no idea who that person is but she died with Hunter and like him, won't be seen again. I miss Hunter and the old life I had so much. I love Hunter and I would never wish to take the days we spent together away but sometimes I wish the whole thing hadn't happened. I wish I could re-start and change something so death wouldn't take him. The last couple of months my eye has been twitching. I think it's the stress getting to me. I have headaches every day and forget the small things. I try to look nice but it doesn't happen because I care so much less. Mathew and I have a strong bond that I doubt will ever break. Time hasn't healed any wounds yet. I doubt it will. I think maybe the wounds just become less apparent over time. Dear Hunter, I wish every day that you would come back to us. People say that heaven is a better place but its not. There can be no better place for a baby than with his Mummy and Daddy who love him endlessly. There is going to be an article paper about you tomorrow. To help me to raise money for Starship in your memory. I have do something to make your life worth it. It'll always be worth it for me and Daddy but to make it worth something to other sick babies too. I love you Hunter. I haven't been to see you as much the last couple of weeks. I feel like I've been so busy and can't stop to relax with you. I have a gift for you so Dadyy, Cooper and I will bring it up to you tomorrow morning. You are getting quite a good collection of gifts! Cooper has been giving you lots of hugs and kisses when he goes to see you. You get way better kisses than we do! He also has a little possy on your stone where he sits and plays with your toys. It's beautiful but it breaks my heart a little more. Cooper loves his little brother. I'll see you again my love, but not just yet. I love you. xxxx Mummy xxxx

Baby Loss Awareness Month - Day 2, Identity

Hunter.  A very strong name for a very strong boy.

I love your name.  I wish we had more time. 

My heart is broken and breaking a little bit more each day.

I had lunch with you today Hunter.  I imagined us sitting together in the sun, lying on the grass and listening to the birds.  I'd probably tell you how nice and warm it is and you'd smile at me in agreeance.
Instead I sat by your stone.  Your sleeping body lying in your bed just below me.

You are so beautiful and so perfect. 

I find myself asking why it had to be you so often these days. 

I want our rainbow.  

Baby Loss Awareness Month - Day 1

Day 1 – Sunrise

Auckland New Zealand

Beautiful sunrise for a beautiful boy.

Today marks the 1^st day of October.  This month is Baby Loss Awareness Month.  Something I didn’t know about until this year but something that has already given me a whole new world of support from people who belong to the same group as me. 

I’m taking part in a project called “Capturing Your Grief” in honor of Hunter.  I’m creating memories for him.

I am back at work now, it’s extremely hard.  I’ve made me desk as comfy as possible with photos, quotes, memories.  But I still hate it.  I’m away from my baby Cooper and I feel so away from Hunter.  Working makes it all seem worse.  I sit at my desk and tears build up in my eyes as I think about the past four months and all the hope and happiness I had during pregnancy with Hunter.  The past two weeks I’ve felt further away from him than ever.

I realized when thinking about Hunter that I can’t remember asking his Doctors one vital question and it’s played on my mind since Saturday evening.  Did I ask them if they’ve tried everything for him?  Did I ask them to do more?  Did I ask them what would of happened if we didn’t turn his life support off?  I can’t remember.  I need to know the answer.  I will call Starship and talk to his Doctor.

I’ve been trying to do more Hunter, always more.  But I don’t know how much more I can keep doing more.  We’ve got a place for him at home with photos, candles, books, his things.  We’ve got his hand prints and foot prints.  I’ve got my necklaces, Mathew and I both have tattoos of his hand prints.  But it’s not enough.  We need more.  What are we going to do when we run out of ‘more’? 

I don’t know what to do to make it hurt less.  All of the things I’ve been doing they haven’t helped.  It keeps hurting more and more.  I miss him so much.  I just want him back.

Is death over yet?

I love you Hunter.

An angel in the book of life wrote down Hunters birth, he quickly closed the book and whispered, too beautiful for this earth.

The Future

Having the man you love ask you to marry him is something us women think about and dream about for years.  

Mathew proposed to me on Monday 16th Sept 2013.  My birthday.  
He took me (and Cooper of course) out to Muriwai.  A beach that has been our place to go on special occasions; our first valentines day when I was pregnant with Cooper and our second Valentines day and pregnant with Hunter etc.  
We had fish n chips and bubbles and while walking down to the water Mathew stopped, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  I was shocked.  Didn't expect it.  I was silent with tears rolling down my cheeks.  

Of course I said yes but the emotions were not what I expected.  I've waited and waited for this and thought I'd just jump up and down with mega excitement.  Instead I felt an immense wave of emotion, flash backs of all the wonderful moments shared.  All the times I've thought 'that's why I love him' and all the times he's made me feel like I'm the only girl in his world. Of our awesome little boy running around the sand.  Of Hunter, bringing the sunshine.  

I appreciate Mathew so much and am excited to be his wife.  To have the same name as our children.  

I know Hunter will be there with us on our special day as he is with us everyday.  I only wish it wasn't just in spirit.  

Today was four months.  Feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago. How did we make it this far?

I love you Hunter.  I love you Cooper.  I love you Mathew.